After the rebellion

You came home

*Katniss Pov*

I get out of bed ready to face another day I don't want to be here. 

Every day I feel like it gets harder and harder to wake up. I wish after I fell asleep I could just never wake up again and I could go join all my loved ones. 

After I was able to go home I have had nothing left for me in 12. 

Most the time Haymitch was drunk because that is how he cures his pain. 

Peeta is in the capitol getting treatment from Dr. Araileus to control his flashbacks. 

I don't think Peeta will be returning home any time soon and if he does there is a good chance I will no longer be in this world. 

I go into my bathroom and grab my blade out of the drawer. I run the blade over my arm on an infected wound. 

I let out a small whimper from the pain and I let the blood spill out of my arm. 

I hear Greasy Sae open my door and I try to hide my cut with a sweater but the blood bleeds through. 

I hear her walking upstairs and I try to find another sweater but she walks in the room. 

"Katniss dear did you do it again" She asks sympathetically. 

I nod my head knowing there is no way I can hide it.  

Lets get this bandaged up. She says while grabbing some bandages. She runs my arm over the water and blood is in the sink. 

It stings but I am so numb that I hardly feel any pain anymore.

She disinfects the wound and she wraps it in a white bandage. 

Dear why don't you go talk to Haymitch, he is sober currentley.

Okay. I say. 

I put on some boots and a new jacket and walk over to Haymitch's house. 

Hello sweetheart he says. 

Feeling better? He asks

I answer honestly knowing I can trust Haymitch. No, I feel so numb, and I cut myself again. I mumble. 

Sweetheart I know it hurts right now and you did not deserve anything that happend during the games or the war. 

It will get better but none of us will truly ever forget the horrible scars that the games have given us. 

I break down in tears knowing he is right I never really will be the same. 

Shhh Its alright Katniss. I know he is being serious because he called me by my actual name. 

After all we have been through we are finally free. 

Even though we feel worse than ever things will eventually get better, but for them to get better I am going to need you to eat and stop cutting yourself. He says.

I can count all your ribs right now Katniss if the boy were here he would be heartbroken to see you like this. He says. 

Well he is not here and he is not coming back. I say in an angry tone.

I'm sorry. I say knowing he is just trying to help. 

It's alright sweetheart. 

Why don't you go take a walk in the woods, You used to do that sometimes to clear your mind. He says.

Okay. I say. 

I walk out the door and leave the victors village and I head towards the woods I open the gate covering the fence because we are allowed to go in there now it is no longer an electric fence. 

I walk over to the lake my dad used to take me when I was a little girl. 

All the memories come flooding back, like when he first taught me to swim, taught me to hunt, and when he taught me to be the best version of myself. 

He would be disappointed seeing how I am today I think to myself. 

I throw some rocks in the lake and I see my reflection from the water. I am so close to being with all of them maybe after one more week of not eating I will be gone forever. 

I think how my life would be so much better, and I am so close to achieving my goal. 

I decide to walk to me and Gale's spot and I see my bow and arrows in the hollowed out log and I pick it up. This was my dad's bow. 

I think about how many times he hunted with it to feed Prim, Mom and I. 

My poor little duck she deserved to live not me. I did nothing to deserve the gift of living, yet I'm still here. 

I think about the other people who deserved to live like Finnick, he deserved to go raise his son that Annie will soon have to take care of all alone. 

She writes me letters and says she will give birth in about 4 months. 

In the letters she tells me to enjoy my life and know that Finnick's death was not my fault because she knows I constantly blame myself for it. 

Prim, Rue, Madge, Cinna, Boggs, and so many more who deserve to be here right now. 

Most of their deaths are also my fault. Boggs died protecting me, Cinna died making me a dress, Madge died because of my bow and arrow I shot at the sky, and I couldn't protect my sweet Rue. 

My little duck was one of the deaths that was not my fault, but it hurts the most out of all of them. 

I think of how she could have gotten married, been a mother, and grown old with her husband. 

That is how she should have passed from old aged, but she died from a horrible bomb. 

I decide to walk back to district 12, and on my way back more memories flood my mind, The spot where I shot my first squirrel, and the spot Gale showed me how to make my first trap. 

I miss my best friend Gale, and I don't know if I blame him for her death or not. He did make the bomb, but he did not know it would go off, but it still hurts knowing he was apart of her death. 

I walk back home and I open the gate of victors village, and I see someone in my garden planting something, I think it is Greasy Sae because I occasionally let her use my garden. 

It's when I realize it is not Greasy Sae. 

"It's my boy with the bread"