Ineffable 𓇢𓆸 || Jakehoon

🍃 Chapter 48🍃

I hold Jake tightly in my arms, feeling his warmth seep into me like a balm to the wound I've created in my chest. I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean for it to go this far. I didn't mean to push him away, to make him feel like he was less than everything he is to me. But I've hurt him. The words I shouted at him-those things don't just disappear. They stay. They carve deep scars into the soul that no apology can fully heal.

And yet, Jake is still here. He's still in my arms, his body pressed against mine like we're tethered together by something stronger than the hurt I caused. His breathing is shallow, but steady now, and I can feel the weight of everything he's holding back-the pain, the confusion, the fear. It's all there, but still, he hasn't pulled away from me. He hasn't turned his back on me.

"Jake, I'm so sorry," I say again, my voice thick with regret. "I didn't mean what I said. I didn't-"

He pulls back just enough to look me in the eyes, his gaze soft but unwavering. There are still traces of tears on his cheeks, his eyes red and swollen from the crying, but he doesn't look angry. He doesn't look like he's blaming me, even though I know I deserve it.

"You don't have to keep apologizing," Jake says quietly, his voice hoarse but sincere. "I know you didn't mean it. And... I know you're not weak, Sunghoon. I know that."

"But I hurt you," I reply, the ache in my chest growing deeper. "I yelled at you, and I... I pushed you away. I don't deserve your forgiveness."

He shakes his head, just slightly, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips despite the sadness in his eyes. "You don't have to deserve it, Sunghoon. I don't need you to be perfect. I just need you to be you."

I don't know what to say to that. How can he still say something like that after everything I've done? After all the times I've hurt him, all the times I've pushed him away and shut him out? He could have left. He could have walked away and never looked back. But instead, he's here. He's always here.

I close my eyes for a moment, the weight of it all crashing down on me. My head hurts from the constant throbbing of the wound in my side, and the exhaustion of the past days is dragging me down. But more than that, it's the shame. The feeling that I don't deserve someone like Jake. Someone who, no matter how much I push, always finds his way back to me.

"You should hate me," I whisper, the words escaping before I can stop them. "I push you away, I shout at you... I make you cry, and yet you keep coming back. You should hate me."

Jake's hand rests on my chest, gently, over the spot where my heart is pounding. "I don't hate you, Sunghoon. I never could. I know you're struggling, but it's not about being perfect. It's about us. You and me. I just want to be here with you."

It's so simple. And yet, it's everything. It makes me feel like I could fall apart all over again, but this time with something more-something like hope.

"But how?" I murmur, shaking my head, the guilt swallowing me whole. "How can you keep coming back to me when I... when I keep hurting you? You deserve someone better, someone who doesn't tear you down."

Jake leans in, his forehead resting gently against mine, his breath warm against my skin. "You don't get it, do you?" he asks softly. "No matter how many times you push me away, no matter how much you yell at me or tell me to go... I'll always come back. Because I don't care about what you do, Sunghoon. I care about who you are. And I can't just walk away from you. I never could."

His words wrap around me like a lifeline, pulling me out of the spiraling thoughts of failure and worthlessness that I've been drowning in. He's not mad. He's not leaving. And the truth of it stings in a way I wasn't prepared for-because I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him.

I reach up to touch his face, my fingers trembling slightly. I trace the outline of his jaw, as if I can make sure he's real, as if I can make myself believe that he's not going anywhere.

"You make it sound so easy," I whisper, the pain in my voice making it almost unrecognizable. "But I don't know how to be better for you. I don't know how to stop pushing you away when it's all I've ever done."

Jake's hand gently cups mine, holding it against his cheek. "You don't have to be perfect, Sunghoon. Just... let me be here. Let me help. You don't have to do this alone."

And in that moment, it feels like I could finally breathe. Maybe I don't have to carry all of this by myself. Maybe, just maybe, I can lean on Jake. I can trust him. I don't have to hide from him anymore.

"You're too good to me," I whisper, the guilt mixing with gratitude. "I don't deserve you, Jake."

Jake smiles, his thumb brushing over the back of my hand, the same smile that always seems to make everything better. "You don't have to deserve me, Sunghoon. I'm here because I want to be. And I always will be."

The words sink in, and for the first time in days, I feel a little lighter. Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I'll never be perfect. But with Jake beside me, maybe I don't need to be.

"I'm sorry," I say one last time, my voice barely above a whisper. "I promise... I'll try not to push you away. I'll try to be better."

Jake's eyes soften, and he leans in to kiss my forehead gently. "You don't have to try, Sunghoon. Just be you. That's all I need."

As we sit there, together, I know that no matter how much I screw up, Jake will always find his way back to me. And that thought-simple as it is-gives me something I never thought I'd have again: peace.