Divine's Time

35. babymama

Time

"So, how have you been feeling?" Kelly asked me as she sat Indian style in her big purple loveseat. I sat across from her on the matching sofa, cuddled up in a thick blanket she provided for comfort. "I was looking at your belly coming in, it grew overnight!"

I looked down, my 12-week bump was now a slight round bump that was hard to see in certain clothing and colors. Facing forward,d you can't see as much, but from the side it's easier to see with the white tank bodysuit I had on.

"I know, these babies are going to stretch me out quick. I had a doctor's appointment today I found out the sex of the babies." I let her know with a smile.

She returned the smile, "That's exciting. Are you having a gender reveal?"

I shook my head, "No, with everything that's going I wanted to save all the planning for my baby shower. We already sent out a cute mass text to everyone revealing the gender.."

"Well?" Kelly asked with an anticipatory smile.

I returned it, "They're boy and girl, Identical twins." Talking about my children was becoming a very fulfilling feeling. It warmed my heart to see them grow and gain so much love already.

Kelly clapped, "That's perfect! "

"Divine and I agreed on names already and everything," I responded. "I was really scared at first, but I'm so excited for this journey, I love them so much already."

"Good, Good." Kelly spoke, "How are you and Divine navigating everything these days? I know last week we spoke about him talking to you in a way you didn't particularly like, confronting you about Omar?"

It didn't take me long to catch Kelly up on everything these past few weeks we have been meeting, she became like my human diary.

"Yeah, we talked about that, and he apologized. He just has things to unlearn, I feel we both do."

"Yeah, without the proper tools, it may be hard for him to know how to communicate properly. But it seems to me that he takes your boundaries very seriously." Kelly said.

"He does. He really listens to me, and I appreciate that."

"Are you still in love with Divine?" Kelly asked reading my demeanor.

I nodded, "Yes."

"I can tell. You always find a way to give him grace." She exposed.

"I know it sounds like I cape for him a lot, but I know deep down he's a good person with genuine intentions."

"Do you want to be back in a relationship with him?"

"Yes," I responded truthfully.

"Then why don't you?"

I gave a sigh, "Because I'm scared."

"Of?"

I shrugged, not able to pinpoint one reason why. It felt like a cluster of things.

"This sounds like how he felt at the beginning of you guys' relationship."

I nodded, "I understand how he felt now. Wanting things to be beautiful but you're too scared of the risk that it won't be. So you don't try at all for the sake of your peace of mind."

Kelly listened as she wrote on her notepad, "What are you really scared of, Time?"

My eyes started to burn as tears started to well up, I looked down, letting them fall on my leggings. "Not being good enough."

"Good enough for what?"

"I don't know." I couldn't explain it. "I guess, my whole life I was always proving myself to everyone. The whole thing with Divine and his ex, made me feel like I wasn't all that special and he could choose familiarity over me at any given time." I explained, "That insecure feeling that my mom always brought out of me as a child when I didn't win a pageant, or when I lost a game, or even failed a test, came back.  I don't like feeling like that, so I'm trying to avoid it."