Among All Nightmares

Chapter 29

Day after day, the nightmares get worse. Mahirap pala talagang masanay. Kahit gaano pa ka-healthy ang kainin ko at alagaan ko man ang sarili ko, fighting against sleep wasn't easy.

This makes me wonder how long I can survive, dahil pagdating palang sa kalusugan ko, bagsak na bagsak na.

Dumagdag pa na hindi rin naman payapa ang mga gabi kahit hindi ako matulog, because the nightmares doesn't just exist in my dreams, but also in reality. Lalo na kapag hindi kami okay ni Dayne.

We're supposed to be fighting in life together, but here we are... Fighting against each other. How ironic is that?

"V-Vionna, I'm sorry for ignoring you... H-Handa ka pa rin bang makinig?" He was severely stuttering when he came to visit me two days after ignoring each other.

Hindi ako sumagot at hinintay lang siyang magsalita. Hindi ko rin siya magawang lingunin dahil sa sama ng loob ko sa kaniya. Nanatili akong nakatitig sa TV rito sa bahay ni lola na hindi naman nakabukas.

"I'm sorry for lying to you..." he started. From my peripheral vision, I saw how he scrubbed his palms together. Halatang kinakabahan. "A-Ang totoo niyan... I was just sad that time and needed time to cool off. Kaso wala akong lakas ng loob na sabihin sa 'yo, kaya balak ko nalang sana n-na... Magsinungaling na busy ako palagi, para hindi tayo mag-usap madalas."

I quickly turned my gaze at him. I was in an uttermost disbelief!

"Edi sana sinabi mo?" hindi ko napigilang magmaldita sa kaniya. "You should've opened up your feelings to me."

"M-Mababaw lang naman kasi." pilit siyang umiiwas ng tingin sa akin. I've never seen him this vulnerable before, at sobrang nakakapanibago. "It's just about my studies. Hindi ko alam bakit ganito ako."

I knew he was lying. I could feel it.

Ni hindi niya magawang tumingin nang diretso sa 'kin.

I don't know why he had to feed me with those stupid lies.

Ganoon ba kasakit ang katotohanan?

Siguro nga, masakit. Magiging hipokrito ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ako nagsisinungaling. I do. And one thing that I know about lying is that people do it to protect other people's feelings, because as they say, the truth hurts.

I felt genuinely scared. Paano nga kaya kung sabihin niya ang totoo? What's next? Kailangan ko bang manatili sa kabila ng mga kasinungalingan? Kailangan ko bang piliting tanggapin kahit masakit? Kailangan ko bang makisama pa rin kahit wasak na 'yung tiwala ko sa kaniya? I can't imagine the pain of being in any of those situations, and I know that in the depths of my heart, leaving him can't be an option.

With that in mind, I accepted his lies.

Hindi ko pa kayang maiwan. Siguro, ihahanda ko muna 'yung sarili ko, since I know that the truth will eventually bring light to itself. Pipilitin ko munang kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na maayos pa ang lahat.

Or maybe someday, he'll finally have his own courage na sabihin 'yun sa 'kin. I just really really hope that lying was an acceptable choice for the situation he's keeping away from me.

Hindi naman naging mahirap para sa akin na magpanggap dahil mahal ko naman talaga siya. Mayroon ngang mga pagkakataon na nawawala na sa isip ko 'yung ginawa niya. Madalas lang talagang mag sink in sa 'kin kapag gabi.

"E-Everyone... Please listen," pilit kong kinukuha ang atensyon nila habang nasa harap ako ng mga kaklase ko. Sobrang ingay kasi nila at sabay-sabay kung magsalita nang humingi ako ng suggestions nila. Papalapit na kasi ang teachers' day. I want to hear their suggestions one by one, but I don't even know how to control their mouths!