Imagining Us

Ch.86- I'm not the one Pt.2

She reached for his clenched fists, prying them open, willing him to relax. 

As she glanced down, she could see the red marks in his palm from where his nails had pressed. Esi grasped his left hand.

 This was the hand that he used to create beautiful architecture, beautiful art. She soothed the inside of his palms by smoothing hers along his.

He was brilliant. 

He was beautiful. 

He made her smile uncontrollably. He made her feel like she belonged. He loved more than anyone she had ever known. When it came to his art- when he actually let go of control, his imagination was ethereal.
But, it stopped there. 

He wouldn't allow it to extend to himself- to them.

She let go of his hand and allowed her fingers to trail up his arm to his chest, then to his face. He stilled and allowed her to run her fingers along his neck and jawline, across his features. 

She was trying to memorize every feature, every mole and beauty mark, as if this would be the last time that she would ever touch him. 

His eyes shuttered under her touch ,and he stood as still as possible, as if he were afraid that any small movement would break this moment. 

This moment where she could change her mind and possibly give in to him.

And if she did, what would happen when they were inevitably back in this same situation again?

Esi took a step backwards, dropped her hands and sighed wearily.

"If you could only use that beautiful mind of yours, Porte," she said softly. 

"That mind filled with-with wonderful imagination and see yourself how I see you, how your family sees and loves you. If you could only let yourself not be defined by the past." 

Esi paused.
"No one has the right to tell you how long or even how to grieve, so I won't say anything about that. But, Porte, at this point, you're not grieving anymore."

His eyes flew open, and a stray tear tracked down his face. 

"Maybe you were wearing it like armor before, but now, it's wearing you. Like an anchor weighing you down, not allowing you to move forward.I t's putting guilt on you that you don't deserve, and you're using it to push people away. You've been using it to push me away. And no one deserves that. I don't deserve that."

She had more to say, and she knew that her next words would hurt him the most. 

But she needed to say them. She needed him to understand what he had done.

"More than that Porte, what you did in there just now hurt me too. I told you some of  what I went through before. About how I put my trust in the wrong person. Do you remember what you told me after?" Porte's visage changed completely, as if someone physically punched him in the gut.
She pressed on. " Do you remember the assurances that you made to me? To be honest, I didn't take them to heart then. People say things like that all the time to get people to trust them. But after a while, I started to believe your words. To believe you. Because the way you treated me, the way you spoke to and encouraged me, the way I could feel how you lov-

She took another step back as she saw his hand move as if to reach towards her.

"It hurt me, Porte. More than he ever did," Esi whispered.
"I didn't mean to-
"But you did. And, it's more than the embarrassment of what happened just now in front of your family." She laughed humorlessly. "You've been pulling away from me for the past few weeks. I thought about pressing you to find out why, but then I thought he'd tell me when he was ready. For some reason I ranked myself high on the list of people that you would trust and confide in. Maybe I made us into something that we aren't."

"Esi..please. Hear me out." She could see him physically clutch his chest as he implored her to listen.

"No, Porte. You told me to leave. Like I wasn't supposed to be there. Like I didn't belong. And it reminded me of that time." She closed her eyes briefly as they began to mist. 

Esi looked at Porte and smiled wryly amidst the tears threatening to escape, "I've always told you about how in awe I am of your imagination with your architecture , but in this case, I was the artist with the imagination, and I was imagining a future for us. I imagined our majors working together, our extended families officially meeting, and us travelling together. I imagined a life for both of us. Together."
The tears were now pouring down both their faces.

She continued, "Because if you could only see what I see. If you could only imagine us, you wouldn't keep pushing me away, you wouldn't keep doing this to yourself. But, you won't let yourself and I can't keep imagining for both of us. It's a lot to manage. So, I will leave as you asked. I don't want  to, but I have to. I have to protect myself. I have to put myself first, especially after what happened the last time. Surely, you of all people can understand that." She sighed. "It seems like I've finally learned."

Esi knew that it was a low blow, but it was the only way to get him to understand.

She knew it was unlikely, but she still said, "Maybe...maybe one day, we can be friends again, because that was one of my favorite parts of us being together."

She turned away with a ghost of a smile, allowing one last hold on their relationship, "Goodbye, Mr. Colins."

*

*

*

*

*

A/N

Sigh. Let me know what you think. We will be finishing this story this year! (fingers-crossed)

Enjoy!