(i was raped last night and wrote this... poem? i guess?)
i just waited
i just waited for it to be over with
i didn't want it
but i was too scared to stop it
because i didn't know what he might do to me if i put up a fight
so i just shut up and waited for it to be over with
he shouldn't have done that
it was wrong
but i feel like it was my fault
like what did i expect to happen to me?
not rape that's for sure
i think the second i thought to myself "am i getting raped right now?" should have been a sign that i was
i wonder what he thought those tears were about
i wonder if he recorded me
i wonder what might happen to that recording if he did
i wanted to stop him when i thought he might have been recording
but again
i was scared of what might happen if i did
scared of making it worse
people pleaser
people pleaser
people pleaser
does he have a sex tape of me now?
what might he do with it?
i don't want that out there
i'm scared
this was not how things were supposed to go
i need to stop dating
i thought he was so great and he did this
i mean at least i got aftercare
but is aftercare after RAPE even aftercare?
when i'm crying and shaking and paralyzed
you cant be that dense to notice i'm uncomfortable and scared
now im really freaking out about that recording
god i hope he wasn't
and god i hope im not pregnant
i'm a day behind on birth control. and he didn't use a condom.
FUCK I WANTED HIM TO AT LEAST USE A FUCKING CONDOM!
now i need to get tested
for a few things i guess
i hope im not pregnant cus the last time i got pregnant it was also by a not good person
god i forgot about that
i keep forgetting about my goddamn kyle miscarriage baby
that one died
maybe that'll happen again if i am right now
i don't want to have an abortion
i'm spiraling
i wish he used a condom
i hope he didn't record me
i wish that didn't happen
i wish i was brave enough to stop him
i wish i was brave enough to say "no"
i wish i was brave enough to say "stop"
i wish i was brave enough to fight
i wish i wasn't so scared
but i was scared
as nice as he was... is? at the end of the day. this is a virtual stranger.
did he really say "i love you?"
did i hear that right???
oh yeah i was scared
i didn't know what he might do to me if i did put up a fight
this guy is bigger. stronger. could very severely hurt me.
yet i allowed him back in my home. in my space. without any safety measures.
what was i fucking expecting to happen???
did i ask for it?
did i???
did i really walk into a room that said "YOU WILL GET RAPED HERE!!!" and now i'm complaining about getting raped?
why do i never see the FUCKING SIGNS UNTIL ITS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME?!!
WHY CANT I EVER FUCKING SEE ANYTHING?!!!
WHAT IS GOING ON
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME
IS THIS REALLY ALL MY FUCKING FAULT? IT CANT BE
i know all my friends are saying it's not my fault
but _ says it is my fault
and for some reason i believe him more than everyone else
why is that?
god i was so fucking scared bro i was shaking and crying and i don't know if he understood what he was even doing to me? did he think we were doing cnc play? no. cus with that you need a lot of communication. and PRE ESTABLISHED CONSENT AND A FUCKING SAFE WORD
WE HAD NONE OF THAT
WE FREAKY TALKED ONCE
ONE TIME!!!
AND I DIDNT SAY I FUCKING WORD WHEN HE WAS DOING THAT SHIT TO ME I JUST FROZE!!!
i never said yes. i never said keep going. i never said anything like that...
but i also never said "no..." "stop..."
so i guess it is my fault...
BUT NO I WAS FROZEN
AND CRYING
AND SHAKING
AND SCARED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND
YOU CANT BE THAT DUMB NO WAY COME ON
god i dont know how to end this but im tired man
i'm just so
so fucking tired
and i don't know if i'll ever be able to truly believe that it "wasn't my fault..."
shit... it really does get worse after 19...
