hellu world!!! it's very very late when i'm reading this and i haven't really written in here in about a year. big oof. anyways. i'm currently in an amazing 12.5 month relationship but i read back all that stuff about my ex and im realizing now manipulated i was. now since no one knows who i am i can say this. so i'm pretty sure i was sexually assaulted/ abused by him? we never had sex but he would try to touch me all the time on my area like even in class in stuff and get me to touch his area too and i was like "stop we're in class" and he's be like "what, i don't care." like uuhhh maybe I DO?? so he's just do a lot of un-consensual and he also once forced me to give him head on his ugly slug dick. so idk if that counts but i still have flashbacks and small panic attacks about it over a year later so..... anyways. uhhh. i'm engaged? yeah. i'm hoping in getting married. but i'm only 16:( but we'll try. so the rEASON i'm ok here is because. ok:
i'm OBSESSED with the show shameless and Ian aka Cameron Monaghan is like, my life right now. BUT my boyfriend is not very supportive of my fangirling which i totally get but he acts as though i'm about to go hook up with him like cam has no possible clue that i exist.
also. so yes. i read fanfics. i used to write fanfics (i may get back into it? idk). i am also a very very big fan of ASMR specifically Karuna Satori ASMR. she is godly. as you can probably tell by me constant being like "imma kms" before (i'm medicated now) i have undiagnosed BPD (i day undiagnosed because they legally cannot diagnose me until i'm 18+) social and generalized anxiety disorders and major depressive disorder. so with all that ASMR is just such a safe space that i can really truly relax. turn everything off. just listen and meditate. and he hates it. he thinks it weird but he just doesn't get it. i know everyone has the right to their own opinions and i would respect his but he's never experienced it so how could he know??
also with fanfics. he says it's scum of the internet but it's also like a totally escape from reality. to "be" with a "fake" person so romantic/ sexually. rather that person is a fictional character or a famous celebrity it's still a thrilling feeling for me. and if anything he should be happy because they rEALLY turn me TF on. but still. i love him more that life itself. like i love this boy so much. like soooo much. like i would kill for him. i would do anything for him. i really think he is the other half of my soul. like God did that. and Shim did that for us. and i appreciate that. Thank you Shim.
anyways. life is just wack. but i think it's a good wack. i used to sign these off in a particular way so lemme check that real quick.
i think it was
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yeah. that's it. ok cool. well. 'tis all my family. follow my finsta pls @rachelspamtoast and dm me to talk😙✌️
well. i sleepy now so i go to bed.
night night now.
MWAH
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