Today my family went out to dinner, but I wanted to stay home.
They left.
I was chilling. Watching Netflix.
Then I had to pee.
So I went to the bathroom. When I was done, I stood up and looked at my mess-of-a-self in the mirror.
I thought "I could kill myself right now. No ones around. It's quiet and calm. Peaceful even. I mean I already know how I'm going to do it."
Then I zoned back into reality for a sec and realized how that would effect people, like my mom and brother.
I can't even imagine Simon walking in on my lifeless body lying on the floor. Or in a tub. Or from a rope.
I have many options.
I decided "No. Not today."
I then contemplated calling 911 for self protection and to make sure I didn't do anything irrational.
Then I thought about how pissed my dad would be at me if I called the police without consent and stuff.
Like what if they wanted to bring me to emergency. Without my mom? I can't survive without her.
I want to go back to the hospital.
I really want to go back to the hospital.
I honestly think I have bipolar.
I'm very self aware
so I think so.
I'm currently diagnosed with social anxiety, generalized anxiety, generalized depression, eating disorders, possible OCD and ADHD. But I think I don't have ADHD and anxiety/ depression. I think it's just bipolar. It runs in the family so it wouldn't be a surprise.
Wow this is really rambley.
Sorry lol.
~🥑
