So there is the anxiety of being in the school building, in class with all the kids.
Thus causes stress.
I have an option of going to the academic resource department. So I go to ARD, but I still feel overwhelmed, because when you're in ARD you can't really do anything else.
You just work. And there are no students to converse with.
I mean I already don't have friends anymore, so there are never any students to converse with in school- just one. Because of this I still occasionally tend to feel anxious- even in ARD.
So I try to go talk to my child youth worker (CYW)- Mrs Sicinolfi or my social worker- Mrs Lesley. However this time of the year is considered "crunch time" so often times they are quite busy meaning I cannot always see them.
So then my anxiety gets the best of me and I feel alone. I call my mom to bring me home.
I go home and try to use my coping skills like: doing my make up, watching YouTube videos, Netflix, taking naps, just trying to get my mind off of it. Then when I finally feel at relevant ease, my parents (specifically mom) only ever talks to me is to ask me
"When are you going to do your homework?"
"When are you gonna do your homework?"
"Are you going to do your homework soon?"
"Rachel when are you going to come downstairs and do your work?"
"What are you going to do next?"
"Are you gonna do science?"
"When are you going to do your science?"
"Are you going to do your religion?"
"Rachel are you gonna do religion?"
"Are you gonna start working on your CommTech project?"
"When are you gonna do it?"
"blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"
So that tends to overwhelm me even more.
I love my parents. Like I love my dad so much, but my dad doesn't have much sympathy/ empathy when it comes to my mental health. So that stresses me out immensely and often triggers panic attacks as well.
School seems like such a normal thing.
School is normal.
Everyone goes to school.
Everyone HAS to go to school.
But I'm not normal.
School is one of the things that so insanely hard for me to do- even though it's so basic, it's so simple, it's so normal; like children go to school so easily.
But for me, every day is a challenge.
Every day is a battle.
I try my absolute hardest every single morning to get my feet out of bed. To move. But sometimes. Most times. I can't. I just can't...
~🥑
