Consider Me

Chapter Forty Nine: Lily

Today is the competition day. Nerves flutter in my belly as I make my way to the school. Mum and I are still in shallow waters. Avoiding, not talking. It's mostly me. She tried numerous time to amend the distance but I am not ready to ignore her lies and prejudice that kept me away from my father. 

Which brings me to him. We aren't like other loving father and daughter. Our relationship has started awkward. Most of the time I don't know what to say to him. I have no idea what kind of a person he is. What did I inherited from him. I know I got his eyes. His are blue like me but lighter like shore. 

It's still weird to call him Dad when he feels like a stranger but he insisted. I am his first kid after all. Shocking! I know. I thought my step siblings would hold the older section but turns out it was me. My step sister is eight months younger to me and my step brother is two years younger. Their age didn't help finding out who they actually were. I tried.

"So you dance?" Dad asks. He is driving me to school. 

I nod, looking out the window. 

"Your sister dances too. Or tries to," he says, glancing at me then smiling when I look at him. This is so weird. I feel blank but happy. I always imagined what it would be feel like if I had my father. I envied other kids who were close with their Dad. But now, having one and actually getting to spend time with him, as simple as a drive to the schools, gives me emotional joy. 

I realize I am staring at him as talks and asks me more questions about my likes and dislikes. What was my favorite toy growing up? What food did I like more? How often did I wake up with nightmares after watching a horror movie? My favorite cartoon. What age did I started speaking?

He wanted even the mundane details of my last eighteen years.

And I was happy to share. 

"Did you ever wonder about me?" I ask, but then it felt stupid because he didn't knew I existed until six months ago. "Sorry. That's not what I wanted to ask-"

"It's okay, Lily," he assures me. "I know I found out about you a little late. I should've looked for Claire more then maybe I would've been with you growing up,"

I turned to the window. "Mum never talked about you,"

Dad smiles softly, "She was scared,"

"That doesn't gave her the right to separate us," 

"I know, Love but you shouldn't fault your mother so much. She did what she thought would keep you alive,"

I scoff, "How can you still defend her? Are you not mad she kept your daughter away for two decades,"

"First," He steers right. "It's nearly two decades. You're still eighteen. And second, I am mad but I also see where she was coming from," He sneaks a glance at me. "You have to know Lily my parents weren't supporting individuals. They were greedy. Nothing suffice to them. And having a daughter-in-law that couldn't bring contacts to upgrow their business was a sharp no. I tried my best to have them see Claire in a light I do but-" he sighs, "Your mother was hurt and when she found out she was pregnant, she assumed my parents would take you from her,"

"If all those are true then why didn't you help her?"

"I did but she didn't believe I could win,"

"That's not fair," 

Dad pats my shoulder. "I know, Love,"

We're silent for the rest of the journey. Only few miles needed to be covered. I watch the weather outside and replaying all their reasons for this drama. Some feels adequate, some I can empathize my mother for. But I still doesn't like the outcome she brought on all three of us.