In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 3

Peeta

I walk next door to Katniss' house and knock on the door. She opens it and looks up at me with hollow eyes that tell me that the Katniss I used to know, the one who lead the rebellion, isn't there. She doesn't even greet me. She just stands aside and lets me in.

"How are?" I ask.

"Why do you care?" she asks. "Its not like we're even friends anymore. We know more about each others than a stranger would, but as you said earlier, we aren't the same people anymore. Who knows if half the things we know are even true."

"I care because I still love you Katniss," I say.

"You've had your brain scrambled and have just been told several times that that is how you feel," she says. "Your love for me isn't real anymore. Just an illusion created in your mind from all the information you got from those fools from Thirteen."

"Why would you say that?" I ask her.

"Because its true," she says. "I just want to die Peeta! To not have to live anymore! If you really loved me, you'd leave me to die in piece. You're just being selfish, trying to keep me alive."

"Katniss, please," I plead. "I still need you in my life. I need someone who can give me answers that I need. Answers only you would know." She looks down.

"Okay," she says. "If it means that much to you, come on. We can talk in the living room." I follow her and she sits in one of the leather chairs. I hear Buttercup meow and he leaps into her lap, curling into a ball and purring as she scratches him behind the ears. I sit down across from her. She gestures for me to speak.

"The first time we actually talked to each other was on the train to our first games, even though we'd known of each other for years before that. Real or not real?" I ask.

"Real," she says. "We knew each other, but we never spoke until we were on the way to the Capitol."

"When you threw the knife at the wall, you were aiming at me. Real or not real?" I ask.

"Not real," she says. "I aimed at no one. Although in all honesty, I would have aimed at that old drunk before I dared point that knife at you."

"But you did try to kill me once," I say. "You were going to shoot an arrow through my skull and kill me in the Capitol. Real or not real?" Katniss stays silent at this, looking down at her bony hands. "Real or not real Katniss?"

"Real," she says. "It was just before the lizard mutts attacked. You were hissing like them, answering the call to hunt me. I was going to kill you to save you. A quick painless death. You would have felt nothing. But you woke up and you were lucid. You warned me to run. You weren't the mutt anymore. I never wanted to kill you. But if I had to to save you from suffering, I will honestly tell you I would kill you in an instant. I even intended to once, after the Quell. While on the hovercraft, I thought we were in a prison in the Capitol. I was going to try to find you and kill you so Snow couldn't torture you. Dead, he couldn't hurt you anymore."

"So you would have?" I ask her.

"Had you not woken up when you did," she says. "You would have never awoken again. See, that the kind of monster I am. A murderer who kills those she knows and doesn't know, loves and doesn't love. I'm a monster Peeta! A monster!" she stands and runs past me and to the stairs. I stand and start to follow her when I hear her scream and see as she tumbles into a heap at the bottom. She slipped in her weakened state and fell at least half the staircase. I kneel beside her and touch her shoulder and she groans.

"Katniss? Are you alright?" I ask. She shakes her head.

"No, I'm not alright," she says. "My sister is dead and my mother is gone. Gale left me here because obviously, money means more to him than I ever did. And you, you're here but I don't even know if you're the real you anymore." Then she lifts her leg weakly. "And to top it all off, I think I've broken something."

"Let me see," I say and I gently touch her leg. She cries out. Its twisted at an odd angle. "I think it's broken."

"I already told you that," she says. "Now if you're so determined to keep me alive, you'll help me set it before I end up like you." she then shoots me a sorry look. "Not that that's a bad think. I just don't want to be the star crossed lovers who only have two legs between them."

"Oh it's quite alright," I say chuckling. "I can see that unlike mine, we can save your leg."

"I think my mother has some Morphling in the cupboard," she says. "Get that, a syringe, some clean rags, and a strong branch from the tree out back that I can use as a splint after we set it."

"Okay, I'll be right back," I say and go to get what she asks. I come back and she's leaning against the wall.

"Alright, fill the syringe up with the morphing," she says. "And make sure there's no air in it when you stick it in my leg." I nod and do as she says. She winces slightly when I stick the needle in and sighs as the medicine works its way around her body. "Peeta, I know you are confused about how you feel. But what ever feelings you have for me, you need to push them away right now. You cannot be afraid that you are hurting me. Because you will. But it will hurt a lot more if its not set right."

"But I," I start and she shoots me a look. She grabs a rag from the pile.

"Just do it. Fast and no compassion," she says before biting the rag. I pick up her leg and ruffly snap it back into place. I hear Katniss scream through the rag and I feel a pain as I think of how much that must have hurt. She breaths heavily and takes the rag out of her mouth.

"You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah," she says nodding. "Now's the easy part. Just tie the branch to my leg to keep it strait. Not to tight, just incase it swells anymore than it already has." I do as she says and look up at her.

"Do you want me to carry you upstairs?" I ask.

"Yes," she says. "Thank you." I carefully pick her up and notice she's covered in bruises from the fall. As I carry her up the stairs, I feel her ribs and protruding hip bones. I take her to her bed and gently lay her in the bed and help her prop her leg up.

"If you don't need anything, I think I'm going to go home for a little while. Sae should be here pretty soon to make you dinner and I'll come back then. But if you do need anything, I have a phone and you know my number," I start to leave but she grabs my arm.

"Please," she says. "Stay with me. Just until I fall asleep."

"Always," I say. I sit on the edge of her bed and she lays back. I gently make circles on the back of her hand with my thumb. Her eyes start to droop and eventually her breathing slows to a gentle steady rate that tells me she's asleep. I get up and gently kiss her forehead.

"I don't care if you believe me or not," I whisper. "That doesn't change how much I love or how hard I'm gonna work to get the real you back." And with those words said, I leave her room.