In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 12

Katniss

I wake up and find myself alone for the first time in a very, very long time. I sit up and look around, seeing no sign of my soon to be husband or our pesky cat, which is really, really strange. Even if Peeta leaves for a moment to make breakfast, which I don't usually wake up for until he sets it in front of me, Buttercup is usually snuggled up against my stomach trying to keep warm or keep me warm, one or the other.

"Peeta?" I call out. The house is deathly quiet and I feel myself start to shake a little. I even have to look at my engagement ring to remind myself that the last how many years weren't just a dream. I carefully slide out of bed, slipping my feet into a pair of slippers to avoid the chilly wooden floors of the hallway. I open our bedroom door and peek my head out. "Peeta?" I repeat, feeling very worried now. Still no response.

I hurry down the stairs and that when I hear the faint sounds of movement in the kitchen. I walk in and cry out at what I see. "No, Peeta!" I rush over to where he stands, gripping the back of a chair so hard his knuckles are white, his blue eyes clouded and staring at something only he sees. There is shattered glass at his feet and one of his hands bleeds heavily as though he cut his hand trying to pick it up. "You were doing so well."

I know that once he's under, its hard to snap him out of it. But that doesn't stop me from gently wrapping my arms around him and laying my head on his shoulder. He just barely acknowledges me by a slight flinch to my touch. I gently move my hands up and down his ribs, whispering softly in his ear.

"It's okay Peeta," I whisper. "Nothing is going to hurt you. I'm right here." He doesn't do anything, his breathing heavy and uneven and his heart beating erratically under my fingertips. I gently kiss his cheek and feel a tear run down my cheek. This hasn't happened in nearly a year and I forgot how frightening it is not only for me but him too.

Slowly, as though he is waking from a dream, I feel Peeta's muscles relax beneath my fingers and he shakes his head. I wrap myself tighter around him and he lays his hand over mine.

"I'm sorry," he says but I just shake my head and pull away from him.

"Don't worry about that," I say. "Right now we just need to get your hand bandaged and this mess cleaned up." I gently pull him over to the sink and run his hand under cold water before drying it and bandaging it snug to stop the bleeding. Then, as Peeta watches, still in the after shock of his episode, I clean up the broken glass and clean his blood off the chair.

"I thought I was better," he says finally.

"You are better Peeta," I say. "It's been nearly three months since this happened the last time. When this first happened, I wasn't even safe in the same room as you. Now you don't even go after me."

"But I still could," he says. "Every single day, I could go after you."

"But I trust you not to," I say. "I trust that I'm safe with you now and that I always will be."

"Katniss, if I hurt you, I don't think I could ever forgive myself," he says.

"You won't Peeta," I reply. "And the more you worry, the worse you will feel." Before he can say anything, Buttercup leaps up onto the chair and cries for his breakfast. I sigh and go into the fridge to look for some table scraps for him. I fill a small bowl for him and set it in front of him. I look back at Peeta and sigh. "I hate seeing you so upset like this."

"I hate the thought of hurting you," he replies defiantly. I look up at him and nearly feel my heart rip in two.

"Does this mean you want to call off the wedding?" I ask, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "It took a lot for me to say yes to you and now you just want to throw it all out the door because you are scared of hurting me?"

"That's not what I mean," he says. "Of course I still want to marry you. I'm just terrified that one of these times that I come to, I'm gonna find you dead because I did something horrible." I look at him and feel a tear escape and trail down my cheek.

"Peeta, I know there isn't anything I can say to make you feel better about this, but I will always care about you," I say. "You could never do anything to change that." I gently kiss his cheek and I feel him lean against me. The stubble on his cheek tickles and scratches my cheek, but I don't mention it. I know that right now, he still needs to calm down from the flashback, to let it fade away some more.

"When do you want to get married?" he asks finally. I pull away from him and see him looking at me as though it were a serious question.

"I'd marry you today if you asked me," I say before chuckling slightly. "But I think you'd be kind enough to let me have a little more warning." He laughs softly and smiles at me.

"Yeah," he says. "But I did figure that maybe a week from now would be good, if you are ready I mean." I feel my heart beat faster and fear setting. Just moments ago, I thought he wanted to call it all off. Now he's suggesting that we marry within less than ten days.

"I...I don't know what to say," I reply.

"We don't have to," he says. "It was just a suggestion." I shake my head and smile at him. I lay my hands on his shoulders.

"I'll be ready on Friday."