In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 6

Katniss

I reach out for the warmth I enjoyed past night only to find cold sheets under my fingers. I open my eyes and see that Peeta has left. I don't know why, but I feel disappointed. Maybe because I really have missed his gentle touch way more than I'd like to admit. Maybe because in his arms, I've had the most peaceful sleep I've had in months. I don't really know so I just kind of shrug it off. I get up and pick up my crutches so I can hobble down the stairs, which is both annoying and difficult. I get to the bottom and hear noises from the kitchen. Which greatly confuses me when Buttercup is sitting at my feet.

I go into the kitchen to see Peeta clinging to a chair with his back to me. I walk over to him and see that his hands grip the chair so forcefully it looks like it could splinter beneath his fingers and beads of sweat roll down his neck and face. His eyes are wide open and have that clouded look all over again that he gets when the tracker jacker venom takes over.

"Oh Peeta," I whisper barely audible. "I thought you said you were better." I lean my crutches on the table and hobble over to him. I set my hand on his shoulder and feel how tight his muscles are under my fingers. His eyes flick to me for a moment before he stares strait ahead again, obviously fighting the urge to move away from me. Instead he's frozen under my touch. And I'm almost to scared to move either.

I slowly move my hand from his shoulder to between his shoulder blades and gently move in small circles, humming softly. At first nothing happens, but slowly, over about half an hour, I feel his muscles relax beneath my fingers. I can tell that his episode is over when he hangs his head and releases the chair. I stop moving my hand and turn his head so he's looking at me.

"You okay?" I ask. He nods but what ever he just saw obviously shook him. I pull out the chair he was clinging to and have him sit down before grabbing my crutches and going over to the sink to get him a glass of water. I set it down next to him and take a seat in the chair to his right. "Why'd it happen?"

"I... I don't really know," he says shakily. "I came down because I was going to make breakfast and then it's all kind of blank until you asked me if I was okay."

"You scared me," I say. "Not because I thought you would hurt me but because I didn't know how to help you."

"But you did," he says. "Your voice brought me back." I just stare at him.

"Well I'm glad I could help," I say awkwardly standing up and grabbing my crutches so I can leave when I feel him grab my wrist.

"Please don't walk away right now," he says and I see that as much as he tries to hide it, he's still not actually okay. I nod and sit back down.

"I won't," I say. "I'll stay right here until you don't need me anymore."

"I'll always need you Katniss," he says. I shake my head.

"We can't think that way Peeta," I say and he looks down. I can see disappointment in his gaze as he nods and looks down. I reach out my hand and gently lay it over his. "At least not until we're both better. Maybe in a year or two." He looks at me, pleading with his sad blue eyes.

"I'm never going to get better," he says. "I'm never not going to go to that dark place or not gonna see those things I don't want to see anymore."

"Peeta," I start to protest but he cuts me off.

"There is nothing left they can do for me," he says. "Even taking medicine, I have to live like this the rest of my life. I'm never going to be okay. I'm never not going to be a monster." I shake my head and look down.

"As crazy as it sounds, I'm okay with that," I say. "I know you won't hurt me and I really don't care wether the doctors say you'll get better or not, I know you'll never stop caring about me which means you'll never stop trying to prove those quack doctors in the Capitol wrong and maybe not get completely better but come pretty damn close because you don't want to hurt me." And then I stand up and look him in the eye, my face very serious. "And I never, ever want to hear you call yourself a monster ever again. Because you aren't and if you do, I'll show you a real monster. Understand?" He nods his head and I smile. "Good, because I don't want to have to go over all this again. I do care about you and like I said, in a year or two or maybe in just a few months, I might be willing to give us a try, but not yet." I kiss the top of his head and leave the room, my crutches clicking on the floor.

I open the front door and go to sit on the old swing that hangs there. I look at the district and feel like its too quiet. And the reason it's so quiet is because I shot that stupid arrow. I start crying again. It seems like I do that a lot anymore. I'm interrupted when Buttercup jumps into my lap and I look up to see Peeta standing in the doorway. He comes over and sits next to me and I lean on him. He rests his head on top of mine and his warm hand rests on my shoulder.

"How come the only time you let me hold you is when you're crying?" he asks eventually. I look up at him and chuckle slightly.

"Have I ever told you you couldn't hold me?" I reply. "Because you've never asked. And I don't remember ever telling you you couldn't."

"You've never been very clear," he says. "You can be screaming for me to leave one minute and begging me to stay with you. You confuse me Kat, and I want to do nothing but make you happy. But I have no idea how to do that when you keep acting the way you do." I laugh softly.

"You know, even when I tell you to leave me alone, it means a lot to me when you stay," I say. "And if you want to make me happy, stop calling yourself names and start caring more about yourself. Because then you'll start feeling like you're worth what I think of you. Because I know you don't think you're him anymore, but I know you are. And if you do that, I'll start trying too, I promise. Deal?"

"Deal," he says smiling at me brighter than I've ever seen.

"I do have one question though," I say.

"What's that?" he asks.

"Did you call me Kat earlier?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says nervously. "I'm sorry. I wanted to try it out but I guess since you didn't like it, I won't do it anymore."

"No, it's fine," I say. "You can call me that if you want. I don't think I'd like others calling me it, but I'd be okay if just you did. It could be something special just between us." He smiles at me and I pull him closer, enjoying his warmth as the sun starts staining the sky pink.