In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 10

Five Years Later

Katniss

"No," I say, feeling a tear run down my cheek. "I just can't do that to a child. I can't give a baby an unstable mother who doesn't want her." I walk away from Peeta, ignoring him calling me back. I hate it. I hate crushing his dreams, over and over and over again.

I lock the door to our bathroom and slide down the door. I know I agreed to let him ask me but that injured look on his face every time I say no. He wants them so terribly. I do take time to think about it once a year in great depth. What it would be like with a baby in my arms, what a baby that was half Peeta and half me would look like. I just can't do that. It wouldn't be just my child. It would be Peeta's too which means that it would be the most perfect little angel who never in a million years deserved to have a mother like me. I look up when I hear a soft knock on the door.

"Hey Katniss?" Peeta asks. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I choke out. "I'm fine."

"Well I'm gonna go to the bakery for a little while and I, um, I just wanted to make sure you'd be okay until I get home," he says.

"I'll be okay," I say.

"I love you," he says.

"I know," I whisper back. I hear him leave and I start to cry again. Everyday, every single day, he tells me he loves me. But I can never find the courage to say it back. Its been five years. Five years since he's come home. Five years since we started living together. Five years that that boy has been asking me for a child. I feel like a monster. Sometimes at night, I lie awake and watch him sleep. Some how he looks younger, less troubled when he sleeps.Like he never went through any of the things he has. He would be the most amazing father. I know that with all my heart. But I just can't. I can't have a baby knowing what I know.

I get up and leave the bathroom once I'm sure Peeta has left. I walk down stairs and see that Peeta has left me some cinnamon rolls for breakfast since I didn't eat earlier. I bite into it and smile. It's still warm. I hear a rusty growl and look down to see Buttercup weaving his way through my legs. The old grizzled tomcat doesn't seem to mind me at all now and for some reason he likes to sit and watch Peeta while he bakes. I bend down and pick him up, scratching him behind his tattered ears. He purrs and I walk over to the couch and lay down. He curls up on my stomach and looks at me with his rotten squash eyes.

"You know, I thought you'd be dead by now," I say. he lets out an annoyed growl and I laugh. "What? You're nine years old. That's old for a cat." He just glares at me before jumping off me and walking away. I laugh and curl up on the couch, feeling a little tired and bored. Before I know it, sleep takes over.

I'm woken up later by Peeta shaking me. I look up at him and he smiles at me.

"Dinner is almost ready," he says. "I thought you might want some." I nod and sit up, stretching as I do.

"Okay," I say. "I'll be right there." He nods and walks away. I watch him and start feeling guilty all over again. I get up and follow him into the kitchen and sit at the table. I watch as he finishes cooking our dinner which happens to be a stew of deer and rabbit meat. He brings it over to me and sits down.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he says.

"What about earlier?" I ask him, not meeting his eyes.

"I shouldn't have brought up having a baby," he says. "I know how it upsets you."

"I agreed to let you ask me," I say. "There's no reason you shouldn't."

"I'm not going to anymore," he says. "I can't keep hurting you like this. Especially if tonight works out how I plan." He hands me a roll and I raise an eyebrow.

"What's so special about tonight?" I ask.

"You'll see," he says and he lets out a nervous laugh.

"Should I be scared?" I ask as I tear open the roll.

"I'm not really sure," he says. "I'm nervous about how you'll react, that's for sure."

"But you're never nervous. Why would you be nerv-," I trail off as I catch a glimpse of something stuck in my roll I pull it out to see a small diamond ring with a polished platinum band. I just stare at it for a few moments before I look at him with confusion clearly written on my face. "Peeta, what is this?"

"I guess, I'm a, asking you to marry me," he says.

"Why?" I ask. "Why me? Why now?"

"Because its pretty obvious that neither of us are going anywhere and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you if that's how it works out," he says.

"You couldn't have chose worse you know," I say.

"That's just your opinion," he says and reaches out to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear and then he gently cups my cheek. "I, on the other hand, am extremely happy with this. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Katniss. I don't care if we ever have children. I just want you. So please, Kat, please, don't make me wait any longer to know for sure that you feel the same." I look at the delicate little band resting between my fingers. The diamond sparkles in the light of the chandelier over the table and before I know it I'm looking back at Peeta.

"Yes," I say.

"What?" he asks.

"I'll marry you," I say. "I'll be your wife." He smiles brighter than I've ever seen before standing up and pulling me into his arms. He slides the simple ring on my finger and pulls me tight to his chest. I wrap my arms around his neck and smile at him.

"When I first came home, I never thought this would ever happen, not with you being the way you were," he says.

"Well I guess we were both wrong because since I was a little girl, I swore of marriage," I say. "But I'm glad I was wrong." I lay my head on his shoulder and look at the sparkling little gem on my finger. "I'm so glad I was wrong." I whisper. I smile again as I feel Peeta press a kiss just above my ear.