In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 21

Katniss

"I'm telling you, I'm fine Peeta!" I yell at the bathroom door as I lean over the toilet gagging. I've been up for an hour and a half now, vomiting up last nights dinner. It appears that the telltale sign of morning sickness had decided to hold off until now, which was fine by me. But now, I don't even think I felt this bad when I got drunk with Haymitch the night of the Quell announcement.

"Katniss, you don't sound good," he says, obviously not startled by my snapping at him.

"It's just morning sickness," I say. "I'll be fine in a little while." I hear the door click and look up to see Peeta standing there and I roll my eyes.

"Are you gonna let me do anything?" he asks and I roll my eyes.

"You won't even let me tie my own shoes anymore!" I say, trying to make light of the situation. "I'm barely 13 weeks along. I can still take care of myself just fine." He smiles and kneels down next to me on the floor. He reaches out to feel my cheek and sighs.

"Will you at least let me get you some water and maybe some dry toast?" he asks and I nod.

"Yes, I think that'd be okay," I say and he kisses my cheek and stands up, leaving me huddled on the floor. I lean against the wall and feel my stomach start to settle. I stand up and flush the toilet before going to the sink and washing the stomach acid from my throat. I walk into the bedroom and Peeta hands me a plate with a piece of bread on it and a glass of ice water. "Thank you," I whisper, my throat feeling sore and raw.

"You okay now Baby?" he asks and I nod. He reaches out and gently rubs his hand over my ever so slightly protruding belly. The baby is so tiny at this point, I don't know what he's really feeling for. He looks up at me and frowns.

"What's wrong?" I ask and he just shakes his head.

"I hate seeing you sick like this," he says and I gently take his hand in mine.

"You know I'm not really sick," she says. "Its just an overload of hormones making me sick." He smiles at me and just shakes his head.

"You didn't have to do this," he says and I smile at him.

"I know, I wanted to," I say. "I told you, I'm ready to have a baby." He kisses my forehead and smiles at me.

"I love you," he says.

"I know," I say. "And I love you too." I lay our hands back over my belly again. "And maybe it's a little too soon to say this, but I'm absolutely sure she loves you too." He laughs and pulls me into a sweet kiss. I hear slow clapping and pull away from Peeta to see Haymitch standing there in our door way.

"Well isn't that sweet," he says and I have to bite back my smart remark. "It's nice to know you're knocked up Sweetheart. It explains a lot."

"We weren't really telling people yet Haymitch," Peeta says.

"We still wouldn't be telling anyone if you didn't just walk into our house like you live here," I grumble and I feel Peeta place a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. I glare at him and he just gives me the kind of smile that tells me he knows that he's gonna get his butt chewed out after all this is over.

"Yeah," Peeta says. "We're having a baby. Sometime in September."

"Well isn't that nice," he says. "Finally put a bun in Ol' Sweetheart's oven. After what? About nine years?" This time, I can't bite my tongue.

"It wasn't his fault it took so long," I say. "It was mine."

"Oh yeah," he says smirking. "That's right. You weren't very big on the idea of little ones running around, were you?" I look down at the ground and I feel Peeta tense up beside me.

"That was a little harsh, Haymitch," Peeta says. "It isn't Katniss' fault she felt the way she did about all this." I duck away from him and go into the bathroom again locking the door behind me. I just couldn't stand it. They started talking like I wasn't standing there with them. I hear them start yelling at each other and I just go over and lay down in the empty bathtub

I feel like crying, but I don't really know why. It's not like I didn't see this coming. Of course he would say something about the fact I kept Peeta from happiness for fifteen years. He doesn't really have a filter. But it still hurts to be reminded that I was not entirely on board with this. I mean, yes, I didn't lie to Peeta when I said that this was my choice. I haven't told him yet, since I already know you can't feel it with your hand, but last night, as I lay in his arms, I felt the baby move. It wasn't much, just a little flutter, like when you catch a tadpole in your hand and it swims in circles, and it only lasted a few seconds. But something about it moving, knowing that it's actually in there growing and I can't just keep pretending she isn't really in there, it awoke a fear in me unlike any other.

I know what it is a normal fear. It feels like I was born with it, that it is as old as time itself. Its this feeling in my heart that I won't be able to be a good mother, that the world still isn't safe for her to live in. I'm scared of giving birth now. It's almost as thought the thought hadn't occurred to me yet that I would be undergoing the most excruciating pain that I will ever know in a little over six months.

Part of me says its okay. I have Peeta and he will do everything he can to make this pregnancy as easy as possible. And once we have her, everything will be just fine. But the other is just so frightening, I actually fear it won't go away.

I feel that fluttering again and the tears finally fall. I pull my knees to my chest and feel my body shake with every sob. I don't know how long I sit there before I hear the door open and look up to see Peeta standing over me. He kneels next to the tub and sighs.

"I'm sorry we upset you so much," he says. "This stress, it just isn't good for you now. I should probably start locking the door so he doesn't just stumble in whenever he pleases anymore huh?" I look at him and smile through my tears, my stupid hormones making me into a mess right now.

"You didn't upset set me that much," I say. "I'm used to it. I'm not crying because of that anyway." He gives me a puzzled look.

"Then why are you crying?" he asks and laugh a little, deciding this is as good a time as any.

"I felt her."