In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 4

Katniss

I wake up feeling battered and broken all over again. I've never actually broken anything. Bruised ribs and a ruptured spleen is probably the worse pain I've known. But this came pretty close. Especially when this time, I don't have a Morphling IV. I have bruises all over and the splint is making my knee feel stiff. I hear a knock on my bedroom door and I lift my head.

"Who is it?" I ask, terrified that one of my terrors has decided to make its way into the waking world.

"It's Peeta," I hear him say. "I brought your dinner up for you."

"Okay," I say. He comes in with a tray of beef stew with a warm roll and a glass of water. I sit up and he places it over my lap. "Thank you."

"So how you felling?" he asks as I start to eat.

"Like all the wounds I was feeling made an appearance on the outside," I say.

"So not too great?" he asks.

"I haven't felt good for months," I say. "I really don't feel like anything anymore."

"I know it will take some time, but it'll get easier," he says.

"Maybe, but I don't want to wait that long," I reply. "I just want to be gone."

"Katniss," he pleads but I just shake my head.

"There's nothing left for me. I want to die. Be gone from this world," I say.

"But what about me?" he asks with tears in his eyes. "What am I supposed to do if you die?"

"You'll be fine," I say. "You'll move on. I'm no good for you. And you'll probably get better without me here to trigger the flashbacks. So why won't you just let me go peacefully?"

"Because wether you believe it or not, my love for you is absolutely, unconditionally real," he says. "And as crazy as I am already, I would be much worse without you." I stay silent at that and he looks at me. "The reason you keep saying these things is because you're still trying to protect me. Real or not real?"

"Real," I say softly. "Because that's what we do," I start and he finishes.

"We protect each other," he says smiling and he gently takes my hand. "Even if its from ourselves. I know that you would never let me say these kind of things, and I'm not going to let you go that easily either."

"There's absolutely nothing I can say to you to change your mind about that is there?" I say.

"No," he says.

"You are stubborn as a mule," I say.

"I learn from the best," he says smirking at me.

"Fine," I say. "For now, I'll stop planning my own demise." I smile and our eyes meet for a moment and I feel that I have to look away from those sapphires that are begging for answers.

"I need to know something," he says.

"What's that?" I ask him.

"Did you ever love me?" he asks.

"There were feelings," I admit. "Little butterflies during a couple moments. I did feel something for you. It's amazing what you take for granted when its right next to you and how much you miss it when you wake up from a nightmare and the one person who was able to truly calm you down is miles away. That's when I realized I did love you. That I still do. I'm still not sure in what way, but I know that I do love you."

I reach for the drawer of my nightstand and pull it open. I reach in and feel my fingers close around my most precious possession. I hold it out to Peeta and gently place it in his palm. He studies the iridescent surface, smiling sadly.

"Those nights on the beach seem like forever ago," he says giving it back. "The baby was just a ploy I made to try to save you. Real or not real?"

"Real," I confirm. "You told the whole country in your interview before the Quell that we married in secret with the toasting ceremony and that I was carrying our child. But none of it was true. The wedding wasn't for the right reasons in the first place so we never went through with it and there was absolutely no possibility of me carrying yours or anyone else's child. You were just trying to get me more sponsors."

"I loved you a lot didn't I?" he says.

"Yes," I say. "I thought it was just an act during our first games. I learned just how real it was when we finally talked and I saw the hurt in your eyes when I told you that most of it was an act. I broke your heart more than once yet you were constantly handing it back to me."

"Well if I remember correctly, you doing what you did saved both our lives," he says. "And I had absolutely no right to expect any of that to be true without you actually telling me so." I pick up my tray and set it off to the side before patting the empty space beside me. He sits next to me and I lay my head on his shoulder.

"I've missed this," I say. "Those days after I hurt my ankle when we'd just sit up here together."

"We worked on your family's plant book right?" he asks.

"Yeah, we did," I say. "We had a lot of fun doing that."

"I remember how you'd make me draw those plants over and over and over again before you let me put it in the book," he says.

"Because they needed to be right," I say. "That book has been passed down for generations. It's a treasure."

"I know," he says. "I'm just teasing. The book is useful. And it has to be accurate to help tell future generations know what their looking for and how to remember them."

"How to remember them," I say thoughtfully. "You know, you might be on to something."

"What?" he asks. "That your plant book needs to be detailed?"

"No," I say. "A way to immortalize those we've lost without relying on our memories."

"What are you talking about?" Peeta asks.

"I think I have an idea," I say. "Something I think might help both of us get closure and clarity."