In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 18

Peeta

"Peeta, I don't want to fight about this right now," Katniss says as she slides into bed next to me. We've been married about eight years now and while its been the time of my life, there is something we need to discuss. Something she promised years ago we would talk about.

"Katniss, you promised that once we got married, we'd talk about this for more than five minutes," I say and she shakes her head.

"I can't," she says. "I just can't."

"But we need to!" I say, getting annoyed with how stubborn she's being about this. I see tears flood her eyes and she turns away from me.

"You almost act as though I've never even considered it," she says. "Do you really think I don't wonder what it would be like to have a baby? Do I really seem that cold that I just keep saying no without even thinking about it?"

"You never talk about it," I say. "It's always just yes or no with you. How am I supposed to know?"

"We've been friends for a very, very long time," she says. "You know I don't like to talk about things like this."

"What do you think about when you do consider it?" I ask her and she sighs, looking down at her hands.

"I usually go out to the woods so I can clear my head. Its the only place I can really think," she says. "Then, I try to figure out the same question you always ask me that I can never answer."

"And what's that?" I ask her.

"What would be so horrible about having a baby?" she says. "I really don't know why I'm so afraid. Maybe it's because I'm so confused about wether I'd really want a baby or not that I say no so that I don't ever leave our child feeling unloved. Maybe it's because I've seen too many women die when they try to bring their child into the world only after going through days of agony or the cases where the child never makes it that far and the baby dies before it can ever live. It might also be that this world is just too terrible and I can never see it as a place where our baby would be safe. It doesn't really matter. The answer is always the same. I just can't Peeta. Knowing what I know, I don't know that I could ever give you a baby." I look at her, and knowing her fears, I can see why she's hesitant to even talk about it.

"I'm sorry," I say and she just shakes her head.

"It's not your fault," she says. "The one thing I know for sure is that you would love our baby with all your heart and would be the most amazing father. But I, I have no idea about me."

"I think you would make a good mother," I say and shakes her head.

"I'm not gentle like you," she says. "I'm not the nice one. That's always been you."

"You're nice to me," I say. "The baby would be half me you know." This makes her laugh.

"Yes, I suppose they would, wouldn't they?" she says then she looks down. "But they'd also be half me." I reach out and turn her face so she's looking at me.

"Which is what I've always wanted," I say and she smiles at me. "Someone as perfect as you."

"I'm not perfect," she says shaking her head but I just ignore her.

"A little girl with your beautiful dark hair and cute little nose," I say and she blushes, scooting away from me as I lean closer to her.

"It's not gonna work that way Peeta," she says laughing.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because you know very well flattery doesn't work on me," she says getting up.

"I can always try my beautiful, darling little flower," I say and she laughs again.

"Nice try," she says and walks into the bathroom.

"Katniss, you have got to be the most difficult person I know," I say and she just smiles at me as she shuts the door.

"You're the one who married me!" she calls back through the closed door. "You didn't complain much when that happened."

"There isn't much to complain about," I say. Katniss comes back out and lays down across the bed.

"Except that I won't let us have a baby," she says looking at me sadly.

"It doesn't matter that much to me," I say. "I have you. Like I've told you before, that's all I really need."

"But it's all you've ever asked of me," she says. "And we're running out of time where it would be safe for me to have a baby."

"You're only thirty two Katniss," I say and she shakes her head. "That's not old."

"It isn't young either Peeta," she says. "I would never forgive myself if something happened to your dream because of that. And the more I think about it, the longer I sit here with you right now, the more I feel like our life really is missing something. Something that would probably make us both really happy."

"Katniss, I don't want you to agree to this if its just for my happiness," I say and she gets up, reaching out and grabbing my arm. She practically drags me to the bathroom and opens the cupboard. She pulls out her pills and opens the top. She walks over to the toilet and dumps them in, flushing them down the drain.

"Do you think I would have just done that if I wasn't absolutely sure I wanted this too?" She asks me and find myself near tears as I realize my efforts of almost fifteen years to convince her have finally paid off. I pull her close to me and bury my face in her hair.

"I love you," I whisper and I feel her own tears on my shirt.

"I love you too," she says pulling away and gently taking my hand just as she has so many times before. "Come on, its time to finally start our family."