In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 19

Katniss

I throw the negative pregnancy test in the trash can and wash my hands. This is the third time I've thought I could be pregnant only to be slapped in the face again. It's been four months we've started trying and I feel terrible every time I walk out and tell Peeta no. I see his face fall each time and I almost can't bare to face him anymore.

I don't know why, but I find myself disappointed each time. It's funny really, seeing as I put this off for years because I dreaded the very thought of having a child of my own. I'm interrupted from my thoughts by a soft knock on the door. I let out a ragged breath as I turn and open the door. Peeta looks at me with hopeful eyes that show disappointment as I just shake my head and walk past him.

I feel him reach for me but I just crawl into bed and cover my head so he won't see me cry. A warm furry body crawls up next to me and nuzzles into my chest and I wrap my arms around Shadow, Buttercup's replacement of three years, and cry into his thick, smoky black fur.

"Kat, these things take time," I hear Peeta says trying to hide his disappointment but I hear it in his voice. He too, has started to lose hope. I don't answer him and I feel him pull the covers away from my face and I stare up at him.

"I'm so sorry," I say and he sits down beside me and gently rubs my back.

"You don't have to be," he says. "You're letting us try. That's all I've ever wanted." He leans down and kisses my cheek before standing up and leaving me alone. I lift my head and see him standing in the doorway.

"Are you going to the bakery?" I ask him and he nods.

"Yeah, for an hour or two," he replies.

"I love you," I call after him and he smiles sadly at me.

"I love you too," he says and then he leaves. I slowly pull myself up and hold Shadow close to me, enjoying his soft warmth. He's always been friendly as compared to his predecessor, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the old grouch. He was my last part of Prim and three years ago, when he left to die in peace as animals often do, I cried for days until Peeta brought home the battered little black fur ball he had found digging through the bakery's garbage just I had so many years ago. He purrs in my arms as I scratch his ears and I give him a sad smile.

"Looks like its going to be just you and me for a long time, huh buddy?" I say and he peers up at me with his pale green eyes. He reaches a paw out and starts playing with my braid before I pull it from his reach. He rolls on his back and I start tickling him while he squirms before becoming bored with me and strutting out of the room the way cats do. I sigh, feeling empty inside and essentially, I am.

I get up and look out the window, seeing the shinny factories and the hospital that I've avoided for years. I look at my wedding band that shines so beautifully with my engagement ring on my finger. I decide them that I need to know why.

I gather up everything I need and lock the door as I walk outside. I look around carefully, not really wanting anyone to catch me and tell Peeta. Then I start making my way to the hospital. Dread sets in my heart as I wonder what they will tell me. Could it just be that I can't have a baby? That would break Peeta's heart.

I walk in and stand nervously by the desk as they hand me papers and forms after they get through the initial shock of having the Mockingjay standing there asking if she can talk to someone about her troubles with being able to have a baby. I fill them out and hand them back and before long, a doctor comes out to get me.

A doctor I know very well.

"Delly?" I ask and she comes forward and gently takes my hand. Just my luck that the girl Peeta grew up very closely with us the one taking care of me.

"When I found out you were here, I begged to be the one to take care of you," she says. "I figured you'd be more comfortable talking to someone you know." I nod and she leads me through the halls and gives me a basic check up, which I have honestly never had before. When we finally get to a room to stay, Delly has me sit down and she sits down across from me.

"So, you and Peeta are trying to have a baby?" she asks and I nod.

"For about four months now," I say.

"Well that answers my next question," she says scribbling on her sheet. "But now's the kind of awkward question. How many times would you say that you guys try in a week." I look down and sigh.

"Three or four nights a week," I say looking down. "And my cycle has never been normal so theres no real way of knowing if I missed it. But every time we get our hopes up, the test comes back negative." She nods and hands me a box. It's another pregnancy test and I just shake my head. "I already took one this morning."

"According to the paper you filled out, you were not using a very accurate test," she says. "Those ones have had a lot of trouble with false readings and inconclusives."

"What are you saying?" I ask.

"Katniss, the reason you took that test this morning was because you thought you were pregnant. And you thought that because of your loss of appetite, constant fatigue, and lets face it sweetie, you've been playing with your breasts since you say down. In my professional opinion, you are about six weeks gone but you won't know until you go in that bathroom and take this test."

I turn it over in my hand and feel tears in my eyes as I realize how scared I was and how now, my heart beats faster as I realize what she is saying makes sense. I stand up and walk carefully to the little bathroom off of the exam room and take the test.

The five minutes it takes to process goes by like hours and when it beeps, I almost can't stand to look at it, not wanting to break my heart over this again. But as I dare myself to do so, I find tears in my eyes as I look at the positive pregnancy test I'd been trying for for weeks.

"Oh Peeta," I whisper. "You finally got what you wanted."