In The Blowing Ashes

Chapter 5

Peeta

"So what do you want me to write about you?" Katniss asks as she sits beside me on her bed. We've been working on a memory book about the fallen for nearly a week and its probably been the best week I've had in a long time. It was Katniss' idea actually and it seems that each day, I see a little more of the Katniss that I want to remember but sometimes just can't. I'm happy Dr. Aurelius agreed to make this part of our therapy. Because I really think its working for us.

"I thought we were only doing the people we've lost," I reply as I continue to work on the drawing of my father.

"This is my book," she says stubbornly. "I want you to be in it. So what do you want me to put in it about you?"

"Peeta Mellark," I say. "Mutt, Friend, Lover, Tribute, Fiancé, Enemy, Victor, Ally. The Monster that tried to kill the only person left who even cared a little bit about him causing her to believe it was her duty to babysit him until she too was driven to insanity." She frowns at me and shakes her head.

"That's not how I see you," she says. "And I don't like hearing you talk about yourself that way."

"Fine," I say setting down my sketch book. "Then you tell me what you see when you look at me, the same person who tried to kill you multiple times and stopped you from killing yourself, which is the only thing you ever really asked me for." She looks at her hands and her grey eyes get a clouded look, almost like misty storm clouds.

"You want to know what I see?" she asks.

"Yes," I say. "Tell me what you honestly see when you look at me." She looks at me and her grey eyes burn into my own as she speaks.

"I see someone that I care for," she says. "Someone everyone told me I loved and no matter how much I deny it, I know they're right. Someone who I regret hurting so many times. Someone who could barely stand to look at me after I broke his heart yet willingly stayed with me each time I asked. I see the only person left on this Earth who could even come close to understanding my nightmares and the only one left who truly cares if I live or die. Someone much stronger than I am, who at one time, loved me enough to keep fighting his way through torture and hijacking because he believed he was doing it to protect me. Someone too good for me, this world, and who never deserved the hell he went through and still has to carry around to this day. That's what I see Peeta, and no matter how hard you try, I'll never see you any other way." She grabs her crutches and pulls herself to her feet before hobbling to her bathroom and locking the door behind her. I get up and press my ear to the door to hear her sobbing softly. I knock on the door softly.

"Leave me alone!" she screams.

"I'm not leaving until I know you're okay," I say. "Even if that means I have to sit outside this door until next week."

"I'm fine Peeta," I hear her mumble. "I just want to be alone."

"You say that right now, but you've been alone too long. You need to start trying to live again," I say.

"I am trying," she objects.

"No you aren't," I say. "You pretend you're okay while I'm over here, but we both sleep with the windows open. I hear your screams. You can't just pretend you're okay and bottle it up until I leave. Because every night, you're right where you started. And I want you to get better. I want to see the girl who's eyes light up when she's out hunting, walking in silent steps as she treks through the forest. The girl who sings so beautiful that even the birds stop to listen. The girl with the strength to lead a rebellion with the gentleness that makes those around her feel strong too. Because honestly Katniss, the only times I've ever felt strong that I remember very well was when I was with you. If you think I'm so strong, that's because you're the one who made me that way. Please Katniss, make me that person you see again because I don't feel like him anymore. Just come out."

At first I don't hear anything, but suddenly, the lock on the door clicks. I carefully push the door open and see Katniss leaning on her crutches with tears running down her cheeks. I take a step closer to her and open my arms. She doesn't hesitate to drop her crutches and allow me to hold her. Her skinny arms hook around my neck and she starts crying into my shirt. I gently run my hands up and down her back, not saying anything. Just letting her cry.

Her crying slows and she eventually just clings to me as though I'll disappear. I hold her back, almost as though I'm scared of the same thing. I very gently lift her up and she lays her head on my shoulder, not resisting as I carry her back to her bed. In fact, she won't let go when I try to set her down.

"Katniss," I say softly.

"Please don't stop holding me," she pleads.

"You can't keep me captive here forever," I say.

"I can try," she whispers. "Because you're right. I have nightmares every night. Horrible images that haunt me even in the daylight. And you're the only one who's ever been able to protect me from them. I can't live this way anymore. Haunted by images that my mind cooks up that make me too afraid to close my eyes at night. Please don't let me do this anymore. I hate to say this, but I need help Peeta. Please don't leave me." I look at her and see the fear in her eyes. The same thing I always in her eyes whenever I came to her room after she woke up screaming.

"Okay," I say nodding. "But you have to let go of me for a second so I can get you situated before I join you, okay?" she nods and releases me so I can set her leg back on her pillows before walking around the bed and lay down next to her, pulling the covers over us. I offer my arm out for her to use as a pillow and she lays her head in the crook of my arm. I pull the tie out of her hair and gently shake it out of its braid. Part of her hair falls in her face and she smiles at me as I push it out of her face.

"You know, the way we are right now, reminds me of the cave during our first games, only we've kind of switched places," she says.

"Only I don't have a massive head wound and you aren't dying of blood poisoning," I say making her laugh quietly.

"You know that there was one kiss in that cave, after I came back with the medicine, that I did feel something," she says. "That is when I started to really care about you, even if I didn't know how. Even if I still don't know how."

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask.

"I just thought you'd want to know," she says and gently kisses my cheek before laying her head back down and closing her eyes. But I need to know one thing before I let her sleep.

"That kiss, the one where you felt something, wasn't for show. Real or not real?" I ask.

"Real," she whispers without opening her eyes. "That kiss wasn't for anyone but the two of us."