Intertwined

Trying to be Human

It had been over a week since the gathering at Reece and Marjorie's place and Mia had been ignoring everyone except Char and the girls or when she had to speak to someone at the gallery. When she focused on her little safe place at home or within the walls of the gallery, the redhead could push aside her emotions, most of the time.

She wasn't answering phone calls and text responses were as short and emotionless as she could make them. Are you ok? Yes. Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? No. Plans already. How are you feeling? Ok. Mia couldn't stand to talk about how she was feeling with anyone. Everything felt too out of control inside of her and she didn't seem to know how to settle it, how to have it come out in a coherent way. Speaking in complete sentences about her feelings would have meant having to figure out what they really were and admit what she was really afraid of.

It seemed pointless to talk to Reece and Autumn just as they found out they had a sister, and Leni was sick. Mia didn't want to interfere, get in the way, ruin everything, get close to Leni and then lose her. It was as though all her old self-doubt was back and alive. Creeping through her like a greedy hyena waiting for scraps, when the emptiness she felt would peel her apart. The only way she knew to keep it under lock and key was to bury it under the familiar, routines, creativity, noise and adventure with the girls, the gallery and one afternoon, making three types of cookies. Mia had felt an ache that had threatened to topple her over as she walked in the front door. Just as the girls were kicking off their school shoes and she was hanging up coats, a weight fell on her chest, unexpected and familiar. A faint piece of string hanging off the bed in the spare room caught her eye. For a moment the green Christmas twine looked like an IV line that Michael had worn to provide him comfort in his final days. The memory stole her breath, buckled her knees and she nearly pulled the coat rack over to steady herself. Then, a distraction presented itself, as Evie asked for a cookie.

The kitchen had been a dust bowl of sugar and flour, scented vanilla and chocolate, full of the sounds of laughter when Charlotte had arrived home to the happy chaos of her three girls baking up a storm. They greeted her with chocolate grins, hands holding the leftover dough to snack on, while the main event rose and oozed with buttery, sugary intent in the oven. Mia's smile had barely hidden the panic of needing to find the next thing to busy her spiraling emotions, but the brunette caught a glimpse of it between giggles, tickles and eating warm cookies for afternoon tea.

Later that week as the sun made the sky all miraculous shades of pink and orange, Charlotte noticed the shadow across Mia's face during the transition between swings and climbing. The redhead covering watery eyes with the lens of her camera, photographs clicking an anxious rhythm of desperate cover.

At night when Mia thought Char was asleep, the feelings would bubble over the surface of the walls that she couldn't make stronger. If the brunette heard Mia's tears, felt the rhythmic shudder of her body battling against letting grief and loss out, she would hold the redhead tighter, kiss her head. At first Mia would try and stop the flow of emotion, tense her shoulders and hold her breath, but Charlotte could feel it. 'Baby let it go, I'm here,' and the tears would turn to sobs that choked her breathing.

The brunette would pull her closer, knowing Mia's natural instinct would be to go through it alone and as the redhead curled into the embrace, the agony of loss let slip trembling moans. They sounded primal and deep, as though no words could express the feelings Mia spent her days trying to ignore. Sometimes the crying would last a few minutes, but tonight it was almost as if the grief was building, rather than releasing.

Char propped herself up against the headboard and pulled Mia into her, rubbing her back as the redhead bit her bottom lip trying to stifle painful, pleading sounds that caused an aching in Charlotte's chest. They stayed that way, while Mia's body stiffened and curled up reacting when an emotion peaked again, as though her bones had just tried to escape her skin.