The Red Star

Chapter 47

Jay kept marching down the path until she reached the woods where she stopped and slumped onto the ground. What had just happened? She had brought up a dark past that she had been trying to forget and her fears began to resurface. She brought her knees to her chest and curled her arms about them tightly. Yet it was Death's question that came to her mind and weighed on her thoughts.

Why hadn't she killed herself and why did she stop trying? The last time she cut herself was around her 19th birthday. During this time she had tried to get a job and she did, as a waitress at some small restaurant. She didn't get much for tips but at least she was trying to do some honest labor, instead of being a mercenary. One night, the night of her 19th birthday, she was going about her job in a rather gloomy manner when she came upon a customer seated by himself. She couldn't remember his face and he always had a cap on and wore long sleeves. It was a cooler evening and hr only wore one glove this time. He was a regular who sat in a far corner most of the time.

She brought him his small meal and when he was done she brought him his check. However, that night, he could not pay. Normally Jay would go to the manager or kick them out herself, but something about this poor man made her feel pity. It was an odd emotion being that she never really felt anything for anyone except contempt.

"Don't worry about it." she had told him. "I'll use my tips."

The man had looked up at her for a moment and said,

"You are a good woman."

Jay froze. She had never been complimented on anything before and she flushed red replying,

"Well, thank you."

"Is that strange to you?" he asked, looking up at her again. She wished she could remember his face.

"Yes." Jay answered with her usual bluntness.

"Why? I had assumed many have called you beautiful or good." he said calmly.

Jay chuckled and said,

"Well that's not true."

"Of course it is." he said, "Do you not look in the mirror or pay any attention to what you do?"

Jay couldn't speak, only stare. No one had called her beautiful and no one had ever said that she was good. She continued to stare at the man until he stood and said,

"Don't worry about paying for me Miss, I can pay for myself."

"But you said--" Jay began.

"I know." he replied, pulling out his wallet and placing $300 on the table. "I like to see if there is any good left in the world." he stopped and said, "You have proven that there still is. Thank you for giving me hope." With that the man left the building and Jay stood, speechless, next to the table.

That day was the day she gave a stranger hope and that day was the day a stranger gave her hope. From then on, it was hard, but she did not try to endanger herself. But after she met Bucky, she found that she had placed the thought of wanting death behind her. She found that her love for him drove her to live, made her want to live.

"Jay?" Bucky's voice sounded, as he came up beside her.

She jumped then wiped her tears away, standing up slowly.

"What are you doing out here?" Jay asked, sniffling.

"I might ask you the same thing." he replied.

"I was uh, just thinking." she said, crossing her arms.

"About what?" he asked her, stepping closer.

" Death's question." she said, "And I know the answer."

"You don't need to tell me." Bucky said, "It's none of my business."

"Yes it is," Jay said.

Bucky raised an eyebrow and she continued,

"Its because of love." she sniffled again and added, "I don't want to die, because of you. Ever since I first met you, I have not thought once about trying to cut myself. You stopped me from ending my life Bucky." She was close to him now, her hands pressed on his chest, balled into fists. "Bucky, I--"

Bucky couldn't hold himself in check this time, he was kissing her passionately and was holding her against his chest. He was lost in their kiss as Jay was, silence wrapping them up with a warm breeze. Her arms went around his neck and she pulled out of the kiss to hold him tightly. He returned the embrace, pressing his face into the hollow of her neck, his eyes burning and an aching blissful misery gripping his heart.