Calla Lily

Tread Lightly ⚪️

I had planned to be asleep before Sorren returned. Too bad I was having so much fun with Azalea that I had quickly abandoned that plan. We were watching a scary movie called The Conjuring which was almost done. I was so invested in the movie that I didn't even hear the front door. That is why I jumped so high when Sorren sat down at the arm chair near the couch.
My heart raced as he plopped down onto the cushions. He looked pissed. Suddenly the movie fell to the side as I looked at him. The anxiety I felt which I thought due in part to the movie was not from that. Instead I found that I could feel his anger, his nervousness, through the bond. "How was the Council?" Azalea asked him. "Same as always." Sorren said tightly. "Calla." Sorren moved his attention to me "I need to speak with you." Azalea stood "Jaden?" She asked Sorren. "I believe he went home." Sorren said. Azalea nodded "I'll see you tomorrow for dress shopping Calla." I frowned, I wanted to ask her to stay, but I couldn't. This was a fight that needed to happen between me and Sorren.
"How was your meeting about me that I wasn't allowed to attend?" Sorren swallowed thickly ignoring my sarcasm. "They will question you tomorrow evening." He said. I frowned and drew my knees up to my chest to try and grasp a sense of security in vain. "Okay, so they will ask about you? About her?" I asked trying to understand what would be expected of me. "Yes. Charlotte is being questioned tonight." Sorren said. "The council will ask of your rejection of me, of your opinion on wolves. It is important to not implicate that you dislike wolves." I bit at my lip my eyes dipping down from his as anxiety coiled even tighter in my chest.
I understood I couldn't scream from the rooftops my dislike, my distrust, but it made me nervous. How much could I reveal? Should I reveal? About how I feel staying here, being trapped here? Would it make any difference for them to send me home? Would they free me? I doubted it. "I understand that wouldn't end well for me." I nodded. "Azalea said they would make me come to pack gatherings?" My gaze flicked to his uncertain. "Yes. You will be expected to attend all pack meetings and events moving forward." I pursed my lips and nodded slowly "Okay." I paused "Azalea said they would question your capability to be Alpha." Again I paused my eyes flicking back to his. "Did they?" I asked finally.
  "They did. My behavior was not fitting of an Alpha, a leader. I must again say how sorry I am Calla." He leaned forward his elbows on his knees and hands balled under his chin. He looked tired, I don't think I'd ever seen him in a state like this. When I'd rejected him he'd been angry sure, I'd just run away from him after he transformed into his wolf to protect me from his murderous brother, but he was still put together. Calculated. Now he looked almost human, like a man with far too much on his plate. Stressed.
"Are you sorry because they might take your status?" I asked. "I have been sorry Calla. I must again apologize because a bunch of cruel men have condemned me for my actions and that makes me worse than them." He shifted in his seat like he was going to move closer to me but then thought better of it. "Will they ask about me becoming a half blood?" I thought of a previous conversation we had. "They could yes. However they did not speak to me about it." I bit at my lip again, harder this time. His eyes flicked down "Calla, don't hurt yourself." I could taste blood as he said that and quickly relented, I hadn't realized I'd bit so hard.
  "I'm just nervous being Luna. I don't want to disappoint anyone." That was true. That didn't encompass the whole of my emotions but that definitely contributed to my worry. As much as I told myself I didn't care what Sorren thought, part of me did. Part of me also cared about making a good impression on the pack if I was to lead them and eventually be turned into a half blood against my will. Sorren claimed I would not be changed unless I wished to be, but I highly doubted that. "You don't have to worry about disappointing anyone Calla." I frowned hearing that made me feel worse "Maybe that's not the right way to describe how I'm feeling. I'm just not sure how to say there is no way in hell I'd be voluntarily turned into a half blood and that I really just want to go home." My eyes flicked to his and I rushed out my next sentence before he could speak "I know that's not an option." I sighed. I felt an oncoming lecture and hoped that comment would stop it. We'd already had this conversation, I wasn't going anywhere. "I just wished you'd taken me with you so I could've already talked to them and it would be over." I huffed. That's the first I wished to ever be around him, to go with him somewhere as something other than a requirement to leave, and I'd bet money it'd be my last.
"They summoned only me. They want to question everyone individually." I frowned as he said that "They'll ask you about everything you've assumed, turning into a half blood, the completion of the bond, why you are not yet marked, your hospital stay." He ground out the last part of the sentence as if he wasn't the one to put me in the hospital "It's important you answer delicately." I clenched my jaw "So no anti lycan speech, say I'd love to be a half blood, and say that I'm ready to get moving with this whole bonding thing, anything else you want to coach me on?" He sighed "Calla that's not what I am doing I am trying to help you."
    "Why?" Surely it was to help his image especially after his reaction in the bookstore. He was all kind and benevolent buying me books, inviting my parents over, letting me go to my cousins wedding, until I had a conflicting opinion. A conflicting emotion. "Because I care about you." My brow furrowed. Cared about me? "Well you have a funny way of showing that you care." I got up and made my way upstairs shutting and locking his bedroom door to give myself some quiet. He could sleep on the couch tonight, I'd been doing that enough it was his turn.
I had laid down boundaries after the whole internal bleeding situation. He'd seemed receptive, we went into town, and in front of his wolves he was different. I understood he had to be, to put in a facade, but I did not plan to wear one as he wished I would, not in the capacity of total submission. I got into bed and stared at the ceiling thinking about what I was going to say to the council. I didn't doubt I had to be careful of what I revealed. I wonder what Sorren revealed? Would Jaden tell Azalea? Would Azalea tell me?
Did he say I wasn't fit for being Luna and that is why he slept with Charlotte? Perhaps it wasn't fair to assume what he said? I could go back downstairs and ask him what he told them, I only asked about what they would ask me and what would be expected of me. Perhaps I didn't want to know what he said good bad or indifferent. It made it easier to stay mad if I remained ignorant.
I knew he was right, this was bigger than me, and even him. The pack needed to see strength, a united front. Aziel flashed into my mind, how he saw weakness, Azalea and Jaden, and used it to exploit Sorren, to kill him. If others saw a crack they would surely aim to turn it into a chasm. How was I to portray a united front without loosing myself? Without completely conforming to Sorren. How do I find happiness? I did not want this duty and be required to put the collective good of people over my own well being.
Did that make me selfish? Perhaps. Young? Absolutely. To get through tomorrow I will have to think of those kids that came up to me in the record store, the completed admiration of the pack members upon learning of my existence and do, partially, as Sorren said: tread lightly.