My One And Only

My One And Only - Phone Conversation

Liam just gives my phone back to me. Claudia and I, we both shut. No words come out from our mouth. This is bad. I don't know what is a great word to start this conversation. And I think this is will be a long conversation, yes, long one. No matter what, I have to say something, I have to start this.

"Hey, babe... how are you?" I ask her, I hope she is fine when she hears my voice, I hope she's not mad at me, I just hope that we will be fine, I don't wanna lose her, not because I'm being a coward.

"Hey, babe, I'm okay, I'm so worried, I'm confused, I don't know what I'm doing, I feel empty... how are you doing? Busy with work and new girlfriends?" She is angry, but still make jokes, I can tell that it's her fake laugh, she doesn't want me to know that she's been crying.

"I'm sorry... It's been busy, you are right, but I don't have new girlfriends, you are the one, babe... How's your uni going?" I ask her, this is a bit awkward, we haven't talked in four and a half months. We are still conected, the strong connection between us is the only reason why we are still talking normally after all this time.

"It's okay, it's good to hear your voice... Uni is going well, pretty hard cos they are pusing me to far, they want me to do things beyond my limit..."

"Yes, it's good to hear your voice too, and I'm sorry because I never picked up your phone, I'm sorry that I never called you back... I miss you so bad, I am dying here... And about your uni, they are pushing you beyond your limit, because they know exactly that you can do better than you are no, I am proud of you, babe..." I told her, I apologize for everything I did, this whole time, treating her like shit.

"Niall, stop saying sorry, I believe you have reasons behind everything that you did... I miss you too... If you don't wanna talk on the phone, at least let me know, and call me on my birthday, don't forget, you promise..."

"Yes, I promise to be the first person, I will never forget..." I cut her off, and time for me to explain, she has to know the reason why I did shit things, she deserves to know the reason, and after that it's all her decision, I do what she said. Even if she wanna break up, I will do as she said. I guess that is the best for us, it's up to her now, "You know, I think of you everytime, everything I do, I think of you. This is sounds crazy, but I'm afraid if I hear your voice, it's gonna hurt me, I'm sorry, I'm protecting myself from getting hurt.... I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought the more I talk to you, the more I miss you and it's making me crazy, so that's why I decided that texting is enough... I'm sorry babe..." I explain everything to her, "I'm coward, I'm a big fat idiot..." I tell her again, I said that it's up to her, but I really want her to keep our relationship, I don't want her to break up with me, don't wanna lose her right now.

"Okay, I understand you, so, the rule is no calling except it is important, or if you missed me so badly, you can call me, anytime... let's see how it works, okay? And did you see the news about me and Enrique... I just want you to know that there is nothing between us, nothing, you have to believe me..." she just make the rules of our relationship, to maintain our relation. This is a great sign. I love her, and I don't want to hurt her anymore, so I just follow her rules, and I hope this is not gonna hurt any of us. She doesn't have to explain her situation with Enrique. I trust her, and I love her. I realize how nice she is, her kindness remind of why I fell in love with her at the first place, and it keeps making me in love with her every single day.

"Okay, no calling unless we miss each other so bad, thank you for understanding my complication... I trust you, but if you really fall in love with him I'm fine... that's probably the best for you, having someone beside you is better than doing long distance..." I heard what she was saying to Louis, that's why I'm telling her this.

"I understand you most of the time, don't I? If there is another girl in your life, do you prefer her? Or me?" she asks, I know what she meant, she starts messing around with my words, meaning that we are back to our normal condition now, a bit of relief. She giggles, I miss her, her eyes, her hair, her sweet smiles, her laugh, everything about her.

"Claudia, listen, if there is another girl, I will stay with you, forever, no one is as fun as you, no one is as crazy as you, no one is as smart as you, no one is as beautiful as you, no one... I love you..."

"I love you too, Nialler, I'm getting so sensitive, because I miss you... I won't call you as much as before, but if I miss you, please pick up my phone, if you missed it, call me back... Don't forget my birthday, dear..." she tells me, I love you too, I love you too babe... Me too, I'm getting so sensitive, and I'm a mess without her, a total mess. I will do everything she said, I will just listen. She told Louis before that I didn't put an effort for our relationship, I want to show her, I have to show here, that I want keep, maintain, defend our relationship.

"Me too, I know how it feels like, it was my fault, but I didn't think about you, I was just thinking to protect my self from getting hurt, I should have thought about you too, about us..."

"Yes, babe... it's four and a half months already, a year something to go, and I'll follow you wherever you go... I never thought long distance relationship is so hard..."

"Yeah, I never thought it will be this fucking hard, but it is a lesson for us, and also a test to our relationship... okay, so all clear?" I ask her, just wanna make sure that everything is alright between us. At the beginning, I thought she will be so angry and breaking up, but she didn't do it, even I made her cry that bad. She forgives me, and I can't make anymore mistake. She is so patient, she is great, she is my everything.

I feel good, feel better; finally, talking to her. I could hear her voice, I could hear what is in her head and her heart. Thanks to Liam who made the call, and Louis for calling her and made me realize how important she in  my life.

"Don't you have movie night, with that mysterious hot guy?", "Yes, I do have that, with the others, but I'm so glad if I missed the movie and talk to you, we are good, all clear, next time, let me know... I can't wait to see you coming...", "Haha... you are the best, Okay, go! I love you, Claudia, have fun!", "Thank you, Niall, I love you too, have a nice day!"

We hang up. Tears come out from my eyes, I don't know why. There is so many things going on in my head. Quite long conversation on the phone with my baby; first phone call after four months or so. When I listened to her, I could hear her sadness, her worried, her confusion, but I could also tell her kindness, her sweetness, her patience. It just made me sad, it is because my ego, I made her feel like shit, made her feel she doesn't have boyfriend. I'm so glad that she forgave me, she gave me second chance to love her, to be with her, to fix everything up. I may not the best or perfect boyfriend, but only I can love her more than she loves herself. I'm seriously not sure when I said it, I need to prove it, don't I? And I will prove it to her, it doesn't matter what people say; it's what she thinks and what she says, very important. Words are just words, but action is more important.

***

Ahh... love is very complicated, but because I love her I will do anything to work things out between us, that is my promise.