Spiderman oneshots

51- Coincidence? I think not! (Part 2)

Spider-Man was carrying three pigeons. Thick, fluffy, typical NYC pigeons.

"What happened to the avian coup?" Tony asked, hovering in front of the vigilante. The iconic New York skyline stretched out behind him; they were on the edge of the city, down by the docks.

"Pigeons are innocent. I rescued them from a parakeet this morning," Spider-Man said, not a trace of humor evident in his voice as he looked down at the three winged puffballs. He bounced them up and down in his hold tenderly.

Tony stared at him blankly, wishing he was back at the Tower eating Michelle's peach rings. She didn't want to tell him where she was getting them from, so he was stuck purchasing books from her in order to get his weekly dose of sugar.

He suspected she had some sort of agenda, but didn't care for it as long as she kept supplying. They were the best peach rings he'd had in a while.

He lowered himself to the pier. "Well, are they okay to be put down so you can assist in rescuing the city from a certain tentacled doom?" He was entirely sarcastic. Spidey didn't seem to notice.

"I'm not sure, Mr. Stark." He poked a gloved finger into the mess of feathers. "I think Bernard's upset." He looked up at Tony, then extended his arms, presenting the birds. "Can't Karen scan them or something?"

Next to them, what was left of Clint's dignity came hurtling through the air, closely followed by a disorderly beast of slimy tentacles and too many eyes.

"Karen?" Tony questioned instead of lending a hand to his teammate. He was sure Natasha was keeping an eye on their archer. He didn't really feel like getting his suit dirty anyway.

"Yeah, your AI thingy. I don't know her name, but I thought Karen fit." At Tony's bewildered silence, he added, "From Spongebob."

"Of course. From Spongebob, why not? FRIDAY, scan the damn birds," he relented, not exactly sure why he was still humoring Spider-Man. Wordlessly, FRIDAY complied, a blue swipe appearing on his HUD.

"The pigeons are physically fine," she swiftly reported.

"See? Totally fine. Now can you leave them be? I'm sure Bernard has a Mrs. Bernard waiting for him somewhere."

FRIDAY, ever the helpful AI, piped up, "Actually, all three birds are females."

Spidey tilted his head, lifting the pigeons to study their undersides. "Really?" His lenses squinted. "Bernardina..." he muttered, testing the name on his tongue.

"Would you stop looking at the pigeons' vaginas?"

"But—" Spider-Man was cut off as a heavy, dark tentacle abruptly wrapped itself around his waist, slinging him off the pier. The three birds fell from his hold, fluttering to the ground and picking at the wooden dock uselessly.

With a splash, the vigilante landed in the water a few feet away.

Tony sighed. He guessed this was his sign to stop dawdling around.

In his earpiece, Sam spoke up, "Stark, would you get your hand out your ass and help out over here?"

"Here I come, Tweety." He rolled his eyes, turning on his repulsors and blasting off the docks. He decided to help Spider-Man out—why not—and dove into the water where the masked head was emerging from the surface. He hooked his hands underneath the bug's armpits and dropped him back onto the pier.

"Bernardina, Trudence, Bobbiana, no!" He heard Spidey call out after the pigeons, which were by now flying off toward the city.

Tony suppressed a smile.