Dead Stars

September 4th - Paris, France

I haven't written in a month and writing on this journal now is kind of weird, but I missed it. The reason why I haven't been writing is because it's the same cycle. It always has been.

You meet a girl. You really like her. You think she's the one. You realize she isn't. We move to the next country or city or place. Niki from Stockholm broke up with you because she wanted to focus on her career. You broke up with Nina from Barcelona because it didn't feel right with her.

I went around Stockholm and Barcelona by myself. I went to every tourist spot by myself. Was it fun? Not really. Did I miss spending time with you? I did. I really did.

That's why I enjoyed today because it was just you and I. We saw the Eiffel tower, Notre Dame, the Palais Garnier, and the Louvre Pyramid. It felt as if we we were finally back in our adventure—no distractions, no girls. Just you and me and this adventure.

"Hey." You nudged my arm.

I took a sip of my coffee. "Hmm?"

"What do you say we go to Disneyland tomorrow?" You asked with a smile on your face. You knew how much I loved Disney. I could imagine how big my smile was when you said that. I said yes with no hesitation.

"It's settled then. We're going to Disneyland tomorrow." You said, which made me squeal.

"I'm literally so excited." I tell you.

You smile at me, "I can tell."

"Do you think we'll see princess Belle tomorrow?" I asked you, which made you chuckle. "We need to see her. She's my favorite princess."

"I know she is. You brought your DVD with you." You said.

"Of course, I had to. What if I wanted to watch and we were in like a place that doesn't show it or something? You know how much I love Beauty and the Beast." I tell you, which makes you laugh even harder. "Do you think we will see her?"

"I'm not sure. Depends, I guess."

I held my pinky up across the table. "Promise me, Horan. Promise me we will do whatever it takes to see princess Belle."

You wrapped your pinky around mine and said, "I promise."

I let go and smiled. "Good."

Just then—the world decided to turn on me—and a girl accidentally spilled coffee on you. You stood up, shocked.

"Shit." The girl said, "Shit. Shit. I'm so sorry."

She had a British accent, which made you look up at her. She grabbed some tissue and started dabbing it on you trying to help. You put her hands down and said, "No, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"It's a good thing I don't like hot coffee or I would've burned your skin." She said, which made you chuckle.

"No harm done." You smiled again. "I'm sorry, but are you from the U.K.?"

"Yes, I am. I'm from Manchester." She answered with a smile.

"We live in Manchester." Niall said with a smile pointing over to me. I smiled softly as I looked up at her.

She smiled back, "Oh, do you now?"

"Yeah." I answered for you. You were too mesmerized by the girl. I, then, knew that this wasn't good. My only hope now was that she was either married, is a lesbian, or has a boyfriend.

"I just moved here a couple months ago." She tells us, "It's beautiful here. You're going to love it."

"I already do." You so cheesily answered. I just rolled my eyes. "I'm Niall, by the way." You extended your hand to greet her, "I'm Niall Horan."

"I'm Patrice." She answered. "Nice to meet you."

"I would say the same for you." You said, which again made me role my eyes. You turned around and pointed at me. "This is Peyton, my best friend."

I waved hello. "Nice to meet you, Patrice."

"Do you want me to get you another cup of coffee?" You asked her.

She smiled softly, "You don't have to."

"No," You said with a smile, "I want to."

I knew this was my cue to go away because you wanted to be alone with Patrice. Like I said, it was a cycle. I stood up from my seat and said, "I'm going to go ahead. I have some chores to do."

You mouthed another 'thank you' and I just shrugged with a small smile. I grabbed my bag, phone, wallet, and apartment keys and walked away from the coffee shop. At that moment, I felt defeated and tired. I didn't really want to be alone, so I grabbed my phone and dialed a number.

"Peyton?"

I smiled at the sound of his voice. "Calvin! Are you busy?"

If you're wondering, yes, I have kept touch with Calvin. I've talked to him a lot since Stockholm and Barcelona. I mean, you were always out, so who was I supposed to talk to?

"No! I'm on lunch break." He answered, "What's up? Where are you?"

"I'm in Paris." I tell him.

"Paris! It's beautiful there." You said.

"It is." I agreed.

"So, what made you decide to call?" He then asked. "Is it Niall? Did he ditch you again?"

I let out a breath. "Well, not really ditch, but it's going to happen again. I know it."

"What's going to happen again?"

"The cycle!" I told him, "The cycle of how Niall finds this girl, they spend time together, he thinks she could be the one, then sooner or later realizes she isn't so we fly to the next country."

"Oh, that cycle." Calvin answered softly, "Who's the girl?"

"Patrice. And guess what? She's from Manchester. And now here I am walking back to our apartment all alone." I sighed, "From the looks of it, looks like our Disneyland trip is cancelled."

"Disneyland trip?" He asked.

"Niall and I decided to go to Disneyland Paris tomorrow, but now that he's found Patrice, I don't think that's no longer happening." I say softly. "He even promised I would see princess Belle."

"Your favorite Disney princess." Calvin said.

"Yeah." I exhaled, "I'm just so tired of this. I mean, it hasn't happened yet but I'm pretty sure the same thing is going to happen. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to explore another country all by myself again. What do I do? Why do I have to be in love with him? Why do I care? I don't want to care anymore."

"Okay, Peyton. Relax! Breathe!" Calvin said with a soft chuckle.

"Sorry." I said slightly embarrassed. I found a bench nearby and took a seat, "I just... I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to do this all alone. This was supposed to be our trip, but I don't think I've ever felt so alone. I really don't know what to do."

I heard Calvin sigh over the phone, "I still stand by what I said. You shouldn't waste your time loving someone who refuses to see you the way you see him. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him, someone who will choose you over any other girl in the entire world, someone who will make you their first priority, someone who won't ditch you and will keep their promises, and someone who will treat you like princess Belle." I couldn't help but smile at what he said.

"I know." I said softly, "But I... for the longest time, all I've known was the love I have for him and... I just... I don't know."

"It's okay." Calvin said softly, "It's okay if you don't know what to do yet or if you're confused. You'll figure what to do over time. But think about what I said, okay? I have to go. Lunch break's over and I have a meeting in a few minutes. I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay." I said softly, "Bye."

When he hung up, I put my phone back in my pocket. Just like that, I was alone again.

-P