Dead Stars

September 23rd

I just came from the Kalani household to see if maybe you were there since you did grow to love them so much, but you weren't there. They said they haven't seen you since we left last year. And, of course, they asked me why I was looking for her and I had to tell the truth.

Mrs. Kalani had a huge smile on her face when I told her the story. Kind of like a smug look and Mr. Kalani just shook his head, chuckling softly. I asked them why they were like that and Mrs. Kalani simply answered, "I told him you two had something special going on. He didn't want to believe me."

"She said that you would both come back and either be together or are already married." Mr. Kalani said with a smile as he looked at his wife.

I smiled softly and said, "I didn't know. I had no idea. I don't know why I didn't realize this or see this sooner."

She put her hand on my hand, smiling softly. "Don't be too hard on yourself."

"How can I not be?" I asked her, burying my head on my hands. "This is all my fault. I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Honey," Mrs. Kalani said, "I know it seems that way, but you didn't know. You had no idea that she was feeling that way, okay?"

I groaned softly, "I know, I know. But I wish I had known."

Mrs. Kalani sighed and looked at me. "Niall, what's the point of dwelling on things that we can't change? You can be upset and mope about how this is your fault and how you had let her go all you want, but that's not going to change what happened. You can wish and regret all you want but it's not going to do anything. Stop spending time wishing you would've known or if you could've done something, go up and find her. Find a way to her and fix things."

"What if she's done with me? What if she doesn't want to do anything with me anymore?" I asked softly, "I don't know what I would do then."

"Then fight for her." She answered, "Look, I'm pretty sure Peyton isn't going to throw your friendship away just like that. But if all else fails, fight for her. She's your Peyton. You would do anything for her, am I right?"

I nodded my head, slowly. "Yeah," I said softly, "Right."

After that I said goodbye to the Kalanis and headed straight to my hotel. The next flight to Los Angeles didn't leave until tomorrow afternoon, so I had to stay in the night.

It's currently two in the morning and my thoughts are filled with nothing but you. My mind is running through what Mrs. Kalani said earlier today about how I should stop thinking about my mistakes and start doing something about it, which I agree, but it isn't exactly the easiest thing.

You see, no matter what perspective you put this in, it's still going to be my fault. I should've opened the door when I heard you crying in your room instead of leaving you be, I should've waited for you the entire night until you came out, I should've read your journal sooner, I should've listened to you. My mind is filled with nothing but how this is all my fault, but then I also know how to fix it. Or atleast, I hope I do.

It's crazy to think that how different things were last year. Everything just fell apart and look at where we are now, you're somewhere out there in this world while I'm here going through country to country in search of you wherein last year, you were right beside me.

We don't realize how abrupt some things fall apart. One moment it's everything you've ever wanted then the next you're just left there staring at the mess you made, wishing and wanting things to be the way it was. That one good thing that 's going on your life suddenly vanished. It's devastating to say the least. It makes you never want to give up anything good again.

You know, for the past several days, there was one thing that was on my mind. It was the promise we made that one night a few years ago. I remember you bringing it up in Budapest.

I remember making that promise like I memorize the back of my hand. I'm pretty sure you have it memorized as well.

"Hey, do you ever imagine what the future would be like?" You asked out of nowhere.

I shrugged and looked at you, "Sometimes, I guess. Why?"

"We're sixteen. In a few years we will be in University and after that we're on our own. Maybe one of us will get married and have kids or maybe we'll have terrible jobs. Maybe we'll live far away from each other."

I nodded my head, "Yeah, that has crossed my mind a few times actually."

"The future is full of maybes and what ifs, full of possibilities and not enough security. It's scary, isn't it? How different things could be then?" You said softly, looking outside my window.

I knew right then and there you were afraid. So, I said. "Can you promise me something?"

You looked at me.

"Promise me when we're both 30, both still single or end up with the wrong person that we'll just end up together."

That terrified look in your eye suddenly disappeared and a smile fell upon your face. I smiled as I continued, "And if one of us gets lost along the way, we'll find our way back to each other?"

Without hesitation, you wrapped your pinky around mine and said, "Promise."

Then after that we just talked about our wedding, how many kids we would want, where we would live, what things would be in our dream home, and just the future. I remember sitting there and being excited about the future. I was no longer afraid and so were you because at that time, we knew we had each other.

You were right, P. Things are a lot different now. I'm lost and I'm trying to find my way back to you. I hope you're there when I do.

Anyway, I should be sleeping since I had a pretty long day. Goodnight.

-N

P.S. I always think of you before I sleep. The things we used to talk about, the things you used to tell me at three in the morning, the things and jokes we laughed at, the quiet moments we had, the nights where we would spend just dancing and singing to our favorite songs.

And now... my dreams are always about you. It's always been you.