Dead Stars

May 20th - New York City, U.S.A

Out of all the places in the world we could visit, this has to be at the top of my list. As soon as we drove in the city, I fell in love. The tall buildings and the way the streets look against the sunset— it was all breathtaking.

Instead of going straight to the apartment, I convinced you to take drive around the city and just take it all in. I guess you saw how excited I was, so you agreed. The entire time, my head was practically outside the window. You even made fun of me because you said I was like a dog. The city was just too beautiful to look at it like really, really look at it.

We drove through the different streets, saw the empire state building, saw the statue of liberty from afar, and walked around Times Square. The entire time all I could think was how beautiful the city was.

It was magnetic. Every place you go to, every street, every road—it leaves you wanting more. It was electric. The vibe you get is heart racing and it keeps you in a daze. New York is simply a masterpiece.

Do you remember that time when I had this dream of being a football player? Whenever I was tired or too lazy to go out to the garden and practice, my mom would always tell me, "For every time you're not out there practicing, someone else is on the field practicing."

Ever since then, I spend my time wondering if I should be somewhere else. There are times in this trip where I think, "Am I supposed to be back in Manchester working? Should I be at home in Ireland?" It's this thought that keeps coming back and I keep questioning if I am where I am supposed to be.

While we stood there in the middle of Times Square, watching all the lights and the marquee signs light up, I realized that I will be spending the rest of my life wondering if I am where I am supposed to be, so instead, I chose to just be thankful. Thankful because I know the places where I am so sure I'm not supposed to be and all the places I made it to.

Standing there with you watching the people around us pass by living their own lives and you smiling at me, I knew then. And even if it's just in this moment, I knew in my heart I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

We got to our apartment a few hours later. We were too exhausted to even unpack, which then led to us deciding not to unpack at all because we were leaving after a few weeks.

You fell asleep watching the cooking network again, while I was seated on the counter of our kitchen thinking about this beautiful city I get to call home even if it's just for a few weeks. I kept thinking about the different sights I have yet to see, food I have yet to try, and people I have yet to meet.

I suddenly got this rush of excitement and adrenaline. Without thinking, I grabbed my coat and left. I walked around the streets nearby, making sure I knew my way back.

I was trying to familiarize myself with the place and I tried to find the best pizza place nearby, but all I found was this old shawarma place that people seemed to love. I went in and bought us each some to try and walked back to our flat. I realized then how far I ventured off but luckily, I found my way back.

Back at the apartment, you were still asleep on the couch. I dropped off the shawarma sandwiches I bought in the kitchen then went to the room and grabbed your pillows and blankets.

I slipped the pillows under your head and put the blanket over you. Being the big baby you are, you just snuggled right in with the blanket and continued snoozing away.

I just found myself ridiculously smiling as I watched you. I had that moment again. The moment where you're looking at that one person you love and you get this rush of emotions running inside of you.

It's crazy, isn't it? How someone can make you feel such emotions?

Do you remember in the car that one night in Ohio where we had this deep discussion about love and falling in love? Before I fell asleep that night, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Love is single-handedly one of the most confusing, complicated things in the world. We grew up believing that love is something good, something magical. You watch all these movies and read all these books where this guy meets this girl and they'll live a happily ever after.

Growing up you will realize that love sometimes is horrible. That's what makes it confusing. You suddenly realize that love isn't what you thought it would be. It isn't as magical as you dreamed it would be. Falling in love with the wrong person, getting hurt and broken by someone you thought had loved you, or loving someone way too much that you don't know when to get yourself out of it.

There are times when you love someone so much that it becomes unhealthy. Sometimes we mistake love for sex. Sometimes we think love can change someone. Sometimes we think loving someone can save you, when in fact, the only person that can save you is yourself. Sometimes we just realized that we're no longer in love.

Now you're in a constant battle between what you've always known love would be to the reality of love. And no matter how horrible love can be in the world we are in today, you are still holding on to that hope that love would be everything you thought it would be.

How do you know when the love you have for a person is unhealthy? How do you know when to pull yourself out of it? How do you know, for sure, that this love is the love you grew up believing?

Scary, isn't it?

Its things like this that make me want to avoid love at all costs and avoid any damage, but how can I when I'm so deeply in love with you? I love you in a language I don't fully understand myself. I love you in words that I can never get out of my chest. I love you in ways I could never love another.

I wish you could fall out of love in a snap of a finger. It would make my life so much easier, to be honest. But life is not a wish-granting factory. All I can do is just go on until I wake up one day and I no longer love you.

Sad part is, I don't think that's any time soon.

-P