Dead Stars

August 25th

I know you've always wondered why I have never showed you any of the photographs I take. Well, here's an explanation:

Ever since I was younger, as you know, I was fond of cameras. Taking photographs was my hobby, something I enjoyed doing. I got my first professional camera from my sixteenth birthday. Ever since I got it, I brought it everywhere we went. To the movies, in the mall, to the park, out shopping, or when we're just at home watching movies.

And, of course, when we went on this trip I had to bring it. As soon as we land somewhere, I whip out my camera and start taking photos of all the places we go to and all the sites we see.

You know how when people enter a new place or see something new, they look around and take it all in? Well, for me, it's different. We went to numerous museums, cathedrals, and sites in different cities and countries and as soon as we step in, instead of looking around, I look at you.

It feels weird writing about this because I've always just kept this to myself, but... it's true. There's this moment wherein you look back at me with this winsome, heart-warming smile and a certain spark of wonder in your eyes every time we're somewhere new. I get this feeling.... This feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't even put into words.

Thinking about it now, maybe I did feel something for you. But I guess I didn't think it would be possible because you are my best friend. It should just stay that way. And if I had only known that you loved me, maybe things would've worked out between us.

After all, it's always been you and I, right? If I sit and think about the perfect person for me would be, all the qualities and the personality I look for, I find in you. It frustrates me to think that I've been spending all this time, all these years looking for the right person when it has been you all alone. How could I have not seen this? How could I have not known?

"You realize the most important things when it's already too late" - I am hoping and praying that I'm not too late. I need you, Peyton. I love you.

Anyway, back to what I was first writing about... I guess the answer to why I never showed you any of the pictures I took is because they were something I wanted to remember things by. You see, when you take photos, you don't only take the photograph. You're capturing a moment. You're capturing something you want to remember for the rest of your life, something you want to treasure.

I'm pretty sure I won't forget them, but I wanted something to remember our adventures by. I wanted to be able to look at a photo and remember how it felt being there. I want to be able to remember every second of all the adventures we've had because, honestly, you were my favorite adventure too.

But I'm not giving up on you yet.

-N

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September 18th - Budapest, Hungary

I've been to five countries in a span of three weeks, I guess, and you are nowhere here. I've been to Spain, Italy, Greece, Sweden, and now Hungary. I've searched everywhere for you. I checked all the cheap hotels, the apartments, and everywhere I could imagine you going but I didn't find you. You weren't here.

I kind of knew that finding you wouldn't be easy, but I was kind of hoping that you didn't go too far off. But from the looks of it, you are nowhere in Europe. Which leaves me with U.S.A.

I had a conversation on the phone with my mom and she told me that maybe you went somewhere we haven't been too yet, but you don't like being in new places alone. It scared you.

But since you did go touring in some countries by yourself then there was a possibility. Maybe you continued our adventure without me or maybe you went to some place new where there is no trace, no memory of me.

It didn't matter. I was going to find you. Even if it would mean I would travel to every single country, every city just to find you. I would.

Like I said, I wasn't giving up on you.

-N