Dead Stars

October 14th

What happened tonight was something I did not expect to happen. And I think you didn't either.

Things were finally going well. I moved to New York, found a place to live in, found a job. For the past few weeks, we've been hanging out after work or during lunch, going out to watch movies, and the things we used to do. I enjoyed it a lot because it felt like nothing had happened between us, it felt like we were back to where we were supposed to be – best friends.

None of us mentioned what happened in Paris last year, which was good. It was something I didn't want to talk about, especially now that things are going so well between us. But tonight...

Tonight was supposedly no different. We planned to meet after work and have dinner together in some restaurant you said was really, really good. After I got off work, I picked you up at your office. Calvin was there, but he seemed busy. You said that he had a series of meetings lined up for today, which will end late at night, which is why you wanted to have dinner with me.

We got to the restaurant, got seated, and the night went on with casual conversations about work, family, and all the random shit we talk about. Our evening was going really well, until...

Well, until you brought up your wedding. You started talking about the errands you've been running for your wedding. Choosing what flowers, the decorations of the venue, where it was going to be, and you even mentioned you started looking for a wedding dress.

I was supposed to not say anything and just listen to what you were saying, but something in me snapped. I guess it's from all those weeks of hearing you talk about Calvin and the wedding. I was fed up with it. Partly because it kills me every time you mention his name or talk about the wedding. So, stupid me said, "Do you think it's a good idea?"

"What do you mean?" You asked, confused.

I knew right then and there this wasn't going to end well. I even mentally beat myself up for blurting it out, but since I had already said it, I had to go along with it. "Do you think it's a good idea marrying Calvin?"

You nodded your head, "Yes. Of course. I love him, Niall. I don't think I've loved anyone more."

"Even me?" I asked softly, looking up at her.

You sighed, "Niall, what are you doing?"

"I'm just asking." I said shrugging, "I just wanted to know if you thought it was a good idea."

"Yes, Niall. I do think it is a good idea." You tell me, which is a kick on the stomach. I nodded my head and proceeded to eat. You just stared at me. I looked back up at you and said, "What?"

"You don't think it's a good idea, do you?" She asked softly, eyebrows crumpled.

I shook my head, "I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to say anything." You said as you put your napkin down, grabbed your bag, and stormed off. I grabbed all the cash I had in my wallet and put it down on the table then followed you out of the restaurant.

As soon as I got out of the restaurant, I could still see you walking from where I stood. I ran up to you and grabbed your arm, "Peyton!"

You stopped and turned around to look at me, "Is that why you're here? To tell me that it isn't a good idea to marry Calvin? Is that why you came here?"

"I didn't even know you were engaged until I came here." I said, getting frustrated.

"Then why are you here, Niall?" You asked, crossing your arms. "Why did you come looking for me?"

"I came because I care about you, about our friendship. I wasn't going to let us end that way." I said, which was partly true. "I'm not letting that fight ruin years and years of friendship, Peyton."

"It took you ten months to realize how much our friendship meant to you? Ten fucking months?" You cried out. "You see, that's why I left in the first place because to me our friendship meant the entire world. I would have dropped anything at any given moment for you, Niall. I never had to think twice. And you? It took you ten months to realize that? Do you even care about our friendship?"

"Our friendship meant the entire world to me, Peyton. It didn't take me ten months to realize that. I've always known it. Yes, I did make mistakes last year. Yes, I did hurt you and I'm sorry for it. I really am. The reason why I didn't try and find you any earlier was because I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?" You asked, angrily.

"That you no longer wanted me in your life." I answered back, "That night we fought in Paris? I heard you crying in your bedroom. I wanted to so bad to knock and talk to you, comfort you, but I didn't because I didn't want to say anything else to hurt you. I didn't sleep that night because I was trying to figure out what to do and how I could fix what happened. I got up early that morning and went to the shops to buy you your favorite breakfast. I spent all morning preparing it for you."

"Then I realized you left and I never hated myself so much. I spent the next days wondering where on earth you were. I wanted to look for you, I really did. But after what I did, I wasn't sure if you still wanted me in your life. So, I gave you space. I let time pass. It killed me to do that because I could have spent time looking for you to try and work things out. It came to a point where I was angry. I was so fucking angry at everything at myself. That's why I married Patrice. I thought it could take my mind off of you, but it didn't work."

"You were always on my mind. I kept wondering what you were doing, if you missed me, or if you still wanted me in your life. After the divorce, I wanted to head back to Manchester. So I began packing until I stumbled across your journal."

You looked shocked. "My journal." You said breathlessly.

"Yeah. I found it the day you left, but I didn't read it because I wasn't ready. But when I found it again, I read it. The next few nights were restless. I couldn't sleep. You know why?"

"Because that's when I realized." I said when you didn't answer, "All this time I spent looking for the one I am meant to be with when it's been you all along. I love you, Peyton. I'm in love with you. I knew then I had to find you. I had to because I wanted to fix things with you and see where we could go."

"I went to Manchester to look for you, I went to Ireland. I went back to Italy, Budapest, Sweden, and all the other countries we visited looking for you. Then I come here and you're engaged to Calvin. Hearing you being engaged to someone else fucking hurt, but I didn't say anything because I still wanted you in my life somehow. I didn't care if that meant being your best friend and seeing you with Calvin. I was going to take whatever I can get. I was going to try to make myself fit in whatever space you would let me."

"I did that because I care. I care about our friendship. I care about you." I cried out looking at you straight in the eye, "I did that because I love you."

"Don't say that." You said, turning away.

"It's true." I said out of breath, "There's no point in denying it now."

"You can't do this." You said shaking your head, "I can't believe you. Where was this a year ago? You can't just come here and tell me you love me. I'm engaged, Niall. I'm getting married with someone else. You're too late."

"You don't think I know that?" I asked you. "You love him, I get that. I'm happy for you. I truly am. But I'm not going to hide the fact that this is killing me."

You shook your head and stepped away, "I have to go."

"Peyton."

"No, Niall." You said, taking another step. "I can't do this. Not with you."

Before I knew it, you were walking away from me once again. I guess I'm the one to blame for this too, huh?

-N