Dead Stars

June 3rd

I haven't written to you in awhile. I haven't written any of our New York adventures that's because we were too busy having them.

The past few days have been insane. The day after we arrived, we ventured out and looked for temporary jobs for our stay here. You found a job in marketing in this company's name I keep forgetting and I found a job as an intern in PREVIEW Magazine.

Just when you think New York couldn't surprise you any more, it does. PREVIEW Magazine is one of the best magazines in the entire world and for them to get me as an intern is absolutely mind-blowing.

The days I've worked there have been magical. Helping them pick outfits, helping them write articles, and just watching how they put together this periodical has been so amazing. I can't even put it to words. This job is something I've always wanted to do and for me to be able to experience this in the city I've always dreamed of.... It's just... I honestly can't even put it to words.

I met this guy at work. His name is Calvin. He is one of the creative directors of the magazine. We've gotten along really well. I spend most of my lunch breaks and time in the office with him. He brings me along to all of his meetings and all of the shoots for the magazine. He's absolutely incredible, Niall. You would like him.

With us being busy during the weekdays, during the weekends is when we go out and have some fun. We went to Luna Park in Coney Island. We drove out there for a good bit and rode some of the rides.

You knew how much I hated amusement park rides or amusement parks in general, but we went today because you said it would be fun. There was this one ride we you convinced me to go on. It was called Slingshot. You're meant to sit in this ball type thing and it shoots you up in the air and it bounces around.

As soon as we took our seats, I looked at you— completely terrified— and said, "I really, really hate you."

You grabbed my hand, locked your fingers with mine, and looked straight into my eye. "Don't be scared." You said with a smile, "I'm right here with you."

For a split second, I wasn't afraid anymore. You always had that power over me. Just one look from you or just hearing your voice, all my fears and doubts fade away.

Whenever I'm with you, I feel like I can do anything I was afraid of doing and being that someone I was so afraid of being. That's how much I believed in you. It is with you that I feel so alive.

If it weren't for you, I don't think I would ever have the guts to actually book flights and plan an entire route to travel the world. If it weren't for you, I never would've danced in public just for the fun of it. If it weren't for you, I would never have the guts to try new things and to be shot out of the sky in this ball contraption in an amusement park miles and miles away from home.

I'm no longer afraid, Niall, and it's because of you. You taught me to take risks and to go on adventures. You taught me to never be afraid of being who I wanted to be, someone I've only dreamed of being, and you taught me to fight all the fears that haunt me.

And I think that's how you know you love someone and that's how you know you are loved. You're no longer afraid. You push boundaries and explore and do things outside of your comfort-zone. You're no longer afraid of what other people might say because the only thing that matters is what he says or what he thinks. You're not afraid to be yourself around this one person because no matter how ugly you are in the morning or how many fucked up decisions you make, he'll still accept you.

That's who you are to me. And although I know that my love for you is different from the love you have for me, I know that you still do. If you only see love in me as love for a best friend, I'll take it.