Dead Stars

June 14th

I remember the day I first realized I was in love with you.

I say realized instead of "the day I knew I was in love with you" because it was exactly that-- a realization. A slap in your face, kick in the balls kind of realization.

In that single flashing, heart racing, throbbing moment, what seemed like nothing, suddenly became everything. What once was just a star was now the entire sky. What was once a drop in the ocean was now the entire sea.

Just like any other falling in love stories, mine started off slow. I did not have a clue I had any feelings for you other than friendly love. It always seemed that way, until well....

You're my best friend. I wasn't supposed to be feeling anything else.

It started with the little things like you saying my name or your smile. I remember this one day in school and I was by my locker grabbing some books then I heard you call out my name. I just froze. I remember feeling my heart racing, my palms were sweating, and chills going up my arm. Then I turned around to look at you and your smile... God, Niall.

And maybe, I knew then. Maybe I knew that what I was feeling was more than just friendly love, but maybe I pushed it aside or maybe I was still in denial. I don't know.

Then it became you walking me home everyday and spending as much time as I can with you. I remember not caring if I had a bad day or what I was feeling because as long as I was with you, I was happy. I was okay. I didn't care if I was only going to be with you for a minute or a second because it didn't matter. You were always the best part of my day.

And then it was those little moments. Those little moments that seemed like it never mattered to you now meant the world. Just like the times you kiss my forehead or the top of my head. The times you say those cheesy lines to me or make me laugh with your jokes. The times you hold me and make me feel loved.

It's in all those moments I knew I was possibly falling in love with you. That was the fall. It was the craziest, scariest thing ever. Like I said, it was slow at first. It felt like I was tipping over the edge of a cliff and once I lost my balance, I was falling— fast and hard.

Then came the moment I realized I loved you.... You would expect it would be that grand moment where everything was magical and it was like all the stars aligned for you, but it was the exact opposite.

I remember that day so clearly. We both were having the most horrible day ever because school was getting extremely difficult for us both. We both had failed our math test and felt like we were never going to get into any university. We were both just extremely upset and angry.

Thinking about it now is actually quite funny because you and I were just in an awful mood. We were in my kitchen about to prepare our own dinner since my parents were out of town for the week.

You grabbed the pot and put some water and set it to boil, while I prepared our drinks. We were both just quiet not saying anything to one another. When the pasta was finally done boiling, we proceeded to make the sauce. When you poured in the milk, it splattered everywhere including your face.

I remember just looking at you and breaking into a smile, which then became a laugh. I remember laughing so ridiculously loud at you. You, too, were laughing. For some reason, everything that happened after that made us both laugh.

And then one moment when you were pouring the macaroni and cheese in two separate bowls, you started laughing and I remember just looking at you being so fucking in love with you.

That's when it slapped me. That's when the realization kicked in. I was in love you, my best friend.

Of course, I tried to make it stop. But how do you stop loving someone you've fallen so deeply, so hopelessly in love with?

And of course, I tried to tell you. I've thought of countless ways to tell you, but I can't. I can't tell you what I feel. Sometimes what we feel, the words we yearn to say, no matter how important it is to you or how you feel, are best left unspoken.

I want to say I love you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I want to tell you everything-- every thought, every song, and every poem that led me to the thought of you. But you can't know. I'd rather have you by my side as a best friend than lose you because of this stupid feeling of mine.

I do though. I love you. There's no point in denying it now, I guess.

-P