Insecure

01

I walked out of my room, pissed and upset. I went to the living room to see my brother crying. I went to go back to my room but I stopped once I heard my mom and her "boyfriend" laughing.

Were they laughing at Lamar? I turned around and made a loud noise in the kitchen.

Lamar might have been older but I still stood up for him. I grab a knife and someone comes down the hall. "Wow. What are you doing" My mom's "boyfriend," says and I don't answer?

"Put the knife down," He says once he sees the way I looked. Out the corner of my eye, I could see Lamar looking at me and I heard my mom coming up the hallway. "What are you doing," My mom asks.

"Getting rid of a problem," I say and lung at her "boyfriend". I almost had him but he grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back.

I didn't care if I looked crazy, I was trying to protect my family. He pushed me on the floor and I struggled. "Mom! Help" I yell and she just stands there while Lamar yells at him, "Let her go". At least someone is trying to help.

He twists it harder making me scream out. "Let me go, I quit," I say and he lets me go. "It's your fault," My mom says as I walk past her.

"Of course it is, you never take any blame" I whisper and close my door.  the door and I didn't even have to say anything, we were like twins except we weren't.

||End of Flashback||

June 26, 2015

"It is so hot" I whine as soon as I step outside. "It's not that hot"
Lamar says as we get into the car.

"It feels like the devil came and brought hell with him," I say and my mom glares at me but I don't care.

"You're wearing all black what did you expect," He says.

"It was supposed to be 80 degrees but it feels like 100," I say."All your fault" Lamar says and puts his headphones in.

"It's not" I whisper and look out of the window.

Everything is my fault, I suppose, I practically set my mom up to be with an asshole who doesn't care about her.

"Where are we going," I ask. "To DQ and then the beach," My mom says and I nod.

I stay quiet until we get to DQ and order, a FlameThrower Burger and a Butterfinger blizzard. I didn't start to eat admittedly because my brother's friend Wagner was in the car and staying with us until we move next month.

Basically, boys make me nervous, I'm never around them much but when I am I get extremely nervous. When we got to the beach, I ate in the car. Once it got too hot, I got out and joined them.

"I was wondering when you were coming to join us," My mom says and I stay quiet.

If someone really cared they would've come and checked on me. I've been sitting in the car for ten minutes.

"Hi" My mom's friend, Penny says, I nod and they go back to their conversation.

I wasn't much of a people person. We stayed there for 20 more minutes and then packed and went back home. We never do much but I guess you got to do things on your own.

June 27, 2015 (6:20)

Penny is over now with her kids, they're annoying but I don't like being mean. I know that you probably think I'm mean but I've changed since last year. I'm pretty okay with where I am right now in life.

"I'm going to the store" Lamar yells and I jump up off my bed. "Can I go?" I ask and he looks at his friends then nods.

I quickly put on something and then follow them out. I stayed behind until I saw these group of guys who looked suspicious.

I mean like they were cute but something seemed off about them. We reached the store and we all separated. I got me a bottle of Dr. Pepper, snickers, a bag of chips and skittles. We paid and walked out.

We got halfway back and had to turn around. On the way back it was slower because Lamar and Wagner kept running into their friends. I went to my room and stayed there until dinner was ready.

After I ate, I went and threw my things away and then found a notebook. I don't know why but I feel like pouring out my feelings. I got a pencil and wrote everything down that I could think of even if it wasn't important.

Dear Diary,

I've never done this before but I'm gonna try. Basically, I feel like shit. Ever since my mom met that guy. I know it's my fault but I can't do anything about it. You can't really say anything to her about him she gets mad. I just don't understand why she would want to be with someone who doesn't love her.

He uses her and she doesn't even notice. If she wasn't my mom and I didn't love her. I'd tell her the cold hard ugly truth. Maybe if she heard the truth maybe it'd open her eyes and we'll all be happy again. Just maybe.

I know it's terrible to blame her but I do. She believed him over her kids anytime. I guess that's why I didn't bite my tongue when he yelled at me when I didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't boss me around. He may be bigger but sometimes bitch is better.

Sarah-Jane Hines

I put the book away and went to sleep listening to music.