Grow To Love You

Chapter 38: The Past

"Nicki..." Freja spoke as she sat beside the bed.
"Don't, I spoke weakly.
"It's your 3rd time now," She reminded me.
"Stop talking and come cuddle me," My eyes were half open and I could barely function. I heard her sigh before she wrapped her arms around me.
"Someth-" I pushed my hand against her mouth to shut her up.
"My head," I reminded her. "Stay?" I asked of her.
"I cant...you know I can't, my par-" I stopped her again.
"Just go then, leave me," I spoke harshly.
"I'm not going right now," She whispered.
"You might as well," I grumbled.
"What's wrong?" She asked seriously.
"Nothing," I mumbled.
"Yes there is, there is obviously something wrong. You're out almost every night drinking until you pass out...3 times ending you up hear. Tell me what's going on," She sounded worried. I'm so sick of everyone being worried about me!
"I just don't feel good sometimes, like any normal person," I replied. I don't want anyone knowing about my illness...it's embarrassing. They'll treat me weird.
"Any normal person wouldn't be unhappy enough to end up in hospital 3 times for drinking and doing drugs so much people getting worried," Freja told me.
"Maybe I'm not normal," I said back defensively, turning on my side so my back was facing her. I knew I was gonna cry but I wasn't gonna let anyone see.
"Nic..." She began. "I'm sorry," She muttered before lightly kissing my neck. I'm not normal. I'm far from it. Not in a good way either. I'm fucked. My head is fucked up. Fucked up in a way that constantly makes me feel shit from overthinking all the negatives. Making the positives sounds stupid and unrealistic. Why can't I just be happy? These were the last of many thoughts than ran through my head before I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up, Freja was sat on the chair next to my bed. She probably went home and came back this morning. I glanced toward the clock on the wall. 9:32. My head is throbbing and I feel like utter shit.
"Morning," I heard Freja greet me.
"Morning," I croaked.
"How you feeling?" She stood up and sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hand in her own.
"Shit," I replied.
"We need to talk about this," She told me. I did not want to at all talk about this at all. She can't know.
"Not now," I groaned.
"I know...but we will," She sighed before standing up. "We should go back to yours, Drake will be worried," She told me as she pulled my covers back. The cuts I had gotten from a few weeks ago had all healed and I no long had a boot on my ankle. I pushed myself out of the bed, groaning from how my body ached. Since I came in late last night I still had my clothes on, so I just slipped on my shoes before grabbing my bag and leaving the hospital. "I know you don't wanna talk about it but seriously Nicki...you can't keep this up...they're gonna realise how often you've been in here for the same thing and they're gonna do something about that...I don't know what but you won't like it," Freja informed me as we sat down on the bus back to my house.
"I know...I know, just leave it for now please, I don't wanna talk about it right now," I pushed my hand through my hair with a sigh.
"Ok," We sat in silence for the rest of the 20 minute bus journey. Once we got off at the stop by my house, we walked the short journey to my house where we went up to my room.
"What you doing now then?" Freja asked.
"I need a smoke, you coming?" I asked as I took out my pack and opened my balcony door.
"Sure," She followed me and we sat out on my small balcony looking over the back garden. The amount of times I've thought of jumping off here. We sat quietly as we each slowly took in the toxic smoke. "Nic?" Freja spoke breaking the silence.
"Yeah?" I looked toward her as I tapped of the ash.
"What's wrong?" She asked not looking at me. "And don't lie," Shit! She probably won't let this go. I'm gonna have to tell her. I took a drag before I began speaking.
"I didn't wanna tell you, or have anyone else know. So don't tell anyone?" I asked of her.
"Of course, I'll keep it to myself," She smiled.
"Ok, well my 'family' moved to Iceland this year and I didn't want to go, so everyone agreed that I stayed here since I'd been friends with Drake quite a while. It's was all good but my 'mother asked me to visit and of course I missed everyone. So I went. When I was then, this guy came, I knew him. My 'mother' thought he was an angel, he was a monster. He knocked on the door and once I saw it was him I shut the door but he had a key and managed to get in. He chased me to my room and...he almost raped me...he put his fingers in me...I hated it...my 'mother' came before anything else happened and we got into a massive fight...she said something like they should've aborted me or something. Later on after many hurtful comments made by her I found out she wasn't my real mother. I found out I'd been lied to my whole life. My half brother as I know him as now, Jelani, he told me about the whole thing and basically my father had an affair with someone he and my 'mother' where close friends with, and again with my little brother Micaiah. I've just felt shit since then and then something else happened but I don't wanna talk about that," I sighed as I struggled to hold back my tears.
"Oh Nicki, that's awful," She pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back as I broke. "I'm here for you babe, I'll help you," She squeezed me before holding my face and kissing my lips. "You got me," She smiled.

I was just now laid in my bed, my window and balcony door open to rid of the smoke I had just lit. Mama Sandi had gone out shopping about 5 minutes ago and Drake was in his room and I doubt he'll come up. I took a drag and breathed out the smoke before tapping out the ashes into my make shift ash tray which was just an empty coke can. I loved times like this...well...that's until the depression hits me. I just sit and chill out, not thinking about anything, not having to care or worry. Just me. It's gonna be awful going back to College. I won't be able to concentrate with the thoughts I have. I'm gonna fail. Everything will turn even more shit then it already is. Why must everything fuck up? Why did I have to get this fucked up illness? Why can't it just be like in the movies? I meet a great guy who loves me and makes me happy and it goes away after a few weeks? That's such bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! I wish it were true though. I really do. I guess I have Aubrey...but I can't bring myself to let him help me. Every time I've felt shit and he's tried cheering me up, I've just gotten annoyed with him and leaving. It just seems so stupid to try be happy when I'm gonna spend my whole life being sad. To go back to my old self seems so unrealistic, like I can't he-
"What the fuck?!" I opened my eyes and saw Aubrey stood in the door staring at my hand.
"Shit," I groaned as I put my cig out before awaiting Drakes scolding.
"What the fuck Onika?" He shouted as he came to me. "What are you doing? Why would you start smoking?" He asked sounding angry and frustrated.
"Cos it helps me," I shrugged.
"Helps what? Helps kill you! These are messing up your insides! You will get cancer and die! Do you not know that?!" I just shrugged before pulled the cover over my and closing my eyes. "Where are they?" He asked. I just ignored him. "Onika!" I jumped at the loudness of his voice.
"That was my last one," I wept as tears rushed down my face.
"Bullshit!" It was. I heard him pull out my draw before routing through it. "I knew it," He growled. He'd found them. Shit! I heard him leave before coming back and sitting on the edge of my bed. "Why Onika?" His voice much calmer now. "Why would you start that?" He asked. I shook under my covers as I cried silently. The covers moved from my over my head and he pulled me into his arms. I was too weak to fight him. I was too weak to do anything. "Come on Onika. I'm sorry, I just don't want you harming yourself," He pressed his lips against my forehead as I shook. "Please stop," He whispered. I couldn't reply. All I could do was cry until I fell asleep in his arms.