The last few days I've been thinking,
Why.
Why am I still alive?
Yes, I somewhat love life, but at the same time I have those days, those weeks and sometimes those months. Never can my mood be stable, I don't get it. Why am I so fucked up?? I can't keep a friend, they leave they get freaked out, they turn to enemy's or strangers. It all started about April-Mayish this year. And ever since that happened everyone I was best friends with they turned to strangers or enemy's. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!???
I try to make everyone happy, for what me to be depressed and upset every second of my life?
My biggest mistake is doing so, why do I always put everyone before me, even the people I don't have the deepest connection with I want to see happy. I really don't know, something about seeing them truly happy makes me being depressed all the time worth it. I try my best to help everyone, give them advice but when i need someone, there isn't anyone there, they say they will be but they never are. I'm starting to believe i could die at this moment right now and not one of my friends would shed a tear.Maybe like one or two but the next day they'd be just fine, kinda like when you were 7 and your pet fish died. I'll get replaced the next day.
It gets old, the constant conflicting voices in my head. Telling me to kill myself, cut deeper end it all right now, then the other its okay it'll get better.
But, WHEN! I'm starting to believe that it will never get better because it seems to only get worse.
I just want to be happy, I want to be around people that make me laugh, that make me wonder why I ever wanted to end my life.
I want a guy to love me FOR ME not my assets. It seems that's impossible in this generation sadly.. .
I really just want to have someone to be there, always truly be there for me. IDK why that's so fluffing hard to ask for. It literally eats me alive that I can't talk to someone about my feelings with out them being all, it's okay or you're so beautiful stop being so sad all the time and the famous line, why are you so depressed your life is soooo perfect how in the fuck can you sit there and think that just because I have I smile on my face I'm happy. Seriously. Just because I laugh and talk like nothing's bothering me.
But as soon as I'm behind closed doors, that's when how I feel and how I act are the same. I can't remember a night where I didnt just cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying I just cry, it get out my anger my sadness and helps me sleep better.
Well, until next time I guess this is it, goodbye
