I never thought that it would be like this now. You, and I not speaking. Well now we are, but barely. I just wish shit was diffrent I guess. Regret, always on my mind. I remember everything, literally everything. Every message, the first time we hung out. I swear it was the best day of my life, and it always will be I feel like. I just know that someday I guess we'll both be happy. I know you are, or at least you're getting there. Then there's me in t1he same situation I'm always in. The one where I don't know what to do. The constant overthinking, I remember when you used to be like that. What happened? How did you get better? Please I need clarity. I need help, and you know you're one of the only people that can give that to me. What happened? Seriously, what happened where now we barely talk and when we do it's only about drugs or getting them? You were my best friend, the one person that I went to for everything and anything. You were there for every one of my attempts to commit suicide. You talked me through it. Even though you may not have known I was on the verge, you talked to me. You showed me compassion, you kept me from falling of the edge. You helped me get my life back on track then you left. Or I left, or we both just stopped trying. I don't really know what happened. You, man if you knew what went through my head those nights, I just didn't want to be here. But then I'd message you and you'd listen to my feelings, you'd give me feedback and let me know it will get better. I remember when we'd go on drives for no reason just to drive. Go to random ass places and vibe to tunes. I'd show you new songs, even though you didn't like the music you dealt with it because you knew that I thought they were fire lol. I'm happy you're some what back into my life, I just hope you stay this time. Because I don't know what I'd do without you. When we stopped talking I started getting more and more depressed. I wanted to relapse, I got to that point. Then the thought of you popped into my mind, and I relized why I got clean in the first place. You told me, that I could get through it. You told me you needed me here, not dead in a casket. You, you knew how to help me at my lowest. And you still do. I don't know why I'm writing about this honestly. It's pointless. I can't do it anymore. I can't act like the past is just in the past. Because the past had never felt so like the present. I feel like just yesterday we started talking. Like you have no idea how many times I've read out old conversations just to remind myself how much you really did care. How much I took for granted. How could I just stop trying? I used to think that it was you and me till the end. Forever together, forever you and I helping each other and constantly talking. Always asking if the other was good. Then it changed. It was all so fast that I couldnt grasp it. You gave me hope, you gave me courage to stand up for what I believe in. You let me be myself, the person I strive to be. The one person who told me to follow my dreams and never let anything stop me. Is barely in my grasp, I can feel you slipping away again. And I can't handle this. I can't handle the fact that you might not be in my life forever. Forever is a long ass time but if I had you in my life I wouldn't mind it. Probly the most cliche thing I could say but it's so true!
For us it was always equal. If you crashed, I did too. We both pulled each other out of the dark. But as soon as we fell out. I fell so deep into the darkness, and you, well you had enough strength to keep the light.
Fuck, please I pray every day that one day I won't have to. I pray that I won't have to worry about a thing. That you'll hold me down, you'll keep me in check. You'll let me know when I'm tripping when I'm being dumb.
Nearly 800 words and I could go on for 800 more. I hate this. One day I guess, I just hope that day is coming soon.
