He's No Good - Zayn Malik

Chapter 81: Enough

Uuuh I'm such a liarrrr. Saawii I didn't update before now!

I thought I would have some time free from school, but unexpectedly I got into a schoom where I study math on a higher leven .. And I need that hah, soo I'm busy..

Aand I understand the saltyness from u guys hah.. And someone might have unleashed the deathly power of the chicken nugget on me.. So yeah

Short chapter hereee

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Zayn's POV

So now I have the knife. The evidence that can ruin my life if the police get their hands on it. Also now Jason doesn't have anything on me anymore, so he can suck my dick.

Or well he is one of the few people who knows I'm back on drugs including Jade and maybe Marc and Noel, and then now Harry. But Jason can't prove shit, none of them can.

But now what the fuck do I do with it. Like I can't physically destroy a knife, so I don't know if I should just drive somewhere and throw it out somewhere, or if I should like dig a hole a bury it like they do in the movies. It all just seems dumb.

Even though I had to get this knife back, I feel like I've betrayed Zoe somehow, by having talked Jade.

And sure I fucking hAve betrayed her. Alone the fact that I'm back on drugs. I lied to her at school earlier. Actually I feel like I do that a whole fucking lot lately. Lie.

And for what purpose?
So I can get my fucking fix?
Yes, that's all.

And that thing with Harry at school today. That was close. Too fucking close.
And now that he knows, I can't just make him unknow again. Only if there is nothing TO KNOW.

And that means getting rid of all this shit that's causing all of my problems, and making me believe that they are what will solve them. The drugs, they can't take away shit, they just keep me high and unknowing of how I actually feel for only a short while.

And I'm too fucking deep in, too fucking stupid to admit to myself that they are bad for me. They ruin me - and I shouldn't let them ruin anything else for me.

This needs to stop. I've quit before, and I know how hard it is, but if my drug abuse ruins what Zoe and I have as well, I wont be able to ever forgive myself. And drugs wouldn't be enough to heal the wound of my broken heart, that's for sure.

Combing my fingers restlessly through my hair, I get up from the bed trying to delete all the negative thoughts speaking against what I'm about to do now. The temptations, the cravings. I bite my lip and use the slight pain to focus on what I have to do and get out my little bag of meth out of my pocket and avoid even looking at it.

Even though I know I'm gonna hate myself for this in a little while, at least in the long term, it's the best thing for everyone and especially for myself.

I toss the whole bag in the toilet like last time still not even letting myself think anything but DO IT. I flush before letting myself watch the tiny bag hit the bottom, ignoring how I'm suddenly sweating all over like the sound of it washing away actually makes me sick.

At the same time that alone sort of gave me a boost, filling me with the need to do something. Change something. However I'm not sure if that means just a shower or a new fucking car, but I need to do something to keep me preoccupied.

I turn around towards the bathroom again, and decide to take that shower. I stay under the steamy water for a long time, as if letting the water rinse all the bad I've ever done away, with my head down, my hair falling into my face.

A haircut.
That's it, I need a fucking haircut. I haven't let it grow this long in like forever. That'll be the first thing tomorrow.

I get a text from Zoe right as I sit down after having towel-dried my hair and put a pair of boxers on.

- You've been awfully quiet today hah

Just a statement I guess. And well yeah I only just saw her at school when I "lied" to her as Harry would say.

- Yeah I know sorry, just been in a bit of a bad mood so I've just been at home. Could we do something tomorrow maybe?

- Aw :/ But yeah tomorrow sounds great

She writes and I reply with one of those hearteyes emojies along with a "love you", because I know it will make her smile or maybe even laugh.

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This was like a half chapter that I wrote ages ago but never managed to finish.. And I have nooo idea why I didn't just publish it back then :O Sorry..