Forever To Be Loved

Chapter Twenty One

Dear Diary,          November 17, 2012

Aiden gave me this idea to begin writing in a diary. At first, I wondered why, but he told me it was to write down all my feelings so that when I wasn't human anymore, I would understand all of the things that I'd went through, that I wouldn't be able to feel anymore. At least for a while.

But even though I'm doing this, I don't really know what I am going to say.

Lately, I've been feeling numb. I don't know if it's from the medicine, or if I'm just being crazy, but I don't have that spark for life anymore and I hate it. Mostly all I can do is lay in bed and since I don't have chemo anymore I have nothing to do. The only times I feel alive and happy is when I'm around Aiden, or my friends and family. I don't want to say that I'm depressed, but maybe I am.

Another thing that I have been feeling is hate. Not towards anyone or myself really. Just at my body. I've always been the active, fun and happy girl, and now all that's left is a husk of a shell of what I used to be. At first I didn't understand how someone so healthy, and strong, could be so weak and fragile at the same time. I always ate the right things, I exercised, maybe not as much as I should have, but I did. I hate feeling this way because if I wasn't sick, I wouldn't have Aiden. The only thing that pushes me through this is the fact that I tell myself everyday that Aiden is here because of my sickness and he will make me better when the time came.

I hate that I can't figure out whether I'm happy because of my sickness or not. Whether my family or Aiden is worth it and which will have a greater impact on me if I lost either one. I also hate that I have to choose, and that I can't ask anyone for help. I don't want to hurt Aiden or my family's feelings.

So tell me, what should I do?

Dear Diary,          November 19, 2012

I got sick today.

I had to go to the hospital it was so bad. It's sort of like that time when I first had gotten sick and my nose was bleeding, but worse. I'd had pain shooting all through my body. It had felt like all my bones were breaking and all my limbs was being separated from my body. Dr. Moore told me it was withdrawal from the medicine. I didn't like that. It made me sound like I was addicted to drugs.

I've been feeling extra sensitive lately. I feel myself slipping away more and more everyday. I know that my time to change is coming soon, but to be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll become. I remember the stories that Aiden told me about his first days and mostly what he said is that he wasn't in control of himself those first few days.

What if I'm like that? Would I want to kill anyone with a heartbeat?

The only thing that I can hope for is that Aiden and his family will keep me from doing something that I'll regret.

Aiden said that when everything is over, he's taking me far away from here. He never said where we were going to go, but hey, I'm willing to follow him anywhere.

I can't help but think that I'm starring in a Twilight remake and I'm supposed to play Bella. I find it kind of funny how my favorite book is becoming a part of my life. But Bella got to keep her family, and I'm not. That's the only sad thing about this situation.

Dear Diary,          November 20, 2012

I invited Aiden to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I'm excited and can't wait for my other family to meet him. I know that they'll love him like the rest of the family. I hope that I feel better enough to go home tomorrow.