Unexpected healing

Easter-break Part 12

Felicy

Before getting married, Severus had to endure meeting my parents, so we took the first three days of our Easter break to do just that. Severus had been sure it would not go well, but he had been wrong much to his surprise.

The rest of the break we could retreat to the mountain.

He excused himself as soon as we arrived and spend some much needed time in solitude. He was not the kind of person to be in company for long and meeting my parents had been a true challenge.

The next morning I found a tray with breakfast in front of my door. It was lovingly set, with flowers and a note, inviting me to meet Severus outside by the lake. I took my cup of coffee and went outside.

Maybe Severus had not expected me to be so early, or maybe he had expected me, I did not know, but when I came outside he was swimming in the lake. I was taken by surprise. 

"Severus", I exclaimed loudly. I had never seen Severus other than in his black ropes and or cloak. Now it was obvious he could not be wearing his robes. He had heard me, suddenly shy, he stopped, intending to come out of the water. He seemed unsure and only after a while I realized he possibly wanted me to turn around. Reluctantly I did, I so wanted to see him, without his robes. For a moment, I even considered maybe he went in all off. The thought of that stirred something inside me, a want, that had yet to be filled.

I noticed, that I was able to see him in the big window of the hut. I felt bad, but I could not help staring at his reflection while he came out of the water. He was wearing trunks, but otherwise as far as I could make out, from the not very clear view I had, nothing else. With my eyes, I caressed his chest, his arms, drinking everything in until he had covered himself again.

After that, I went inside, opening and closing the cupboard doors in the kitchen, intending to make another coffee, but too shaken still, with the images in my mind, to concentrate. Severus came in. I figured it might be better not to mention this incident. 

"How are you now," I asked. Not looking at him, busying myself with the coffee making. 

"Much better," he answered. His voice a bit off, clearly he was also moved with the intimacy of the moment past.

"I need to discuss something with you," he said his voice shaking slightly. I turned around. His eyes diverted to the floor, the moment I did. His face was burning with embarrassment. "You must know," he paused. "That I ..I..desire you...Sometimes it is more than painful, " he went on. " But you and me...our togetherness is marked with innocence and purity," he now talked faster " I want us to wait until we are married." Then he looked straight at me. What he had said was honorable and meaningful and I greatly appreciated the notion behind it. I nodded.

"I agree," I said, then I added blushing: "I desire you too but I too want us to wait." His face displayed the same sort of uncomfortableness and desire, I felt and I knew, if I would go over to him at this moment and I kiss him, he would probably not be able to restrain himself and neither would I. But as I fully agreed with his intentions, I turned and went outside again and jumped into the cold lake myself, still wearing my nightgown. I swam under water as long as I could, before I had to burst out of the water, to catch my breath.

Severus did not appear until afternoon, by then I was settled and controlled again, as was he. He asked me if I would like to go for a walk, gladly I excepted. This experience had deepened my respect and love for Severus. He was a true gentleman.

The rest of the day and our last day, at our mountain hideout was wonderful, I loved and lived every minute of it. Far too soon our time was over and we had to return to Hogwarts. The next time we would come to our favorite place, would be for our wedding, which was set to be on the 16th of June.

Being back at Hogwarts was sometimes hard, all though the teaching was good and meaningful and the students dear to me, I often longed for the mountain, for being free and wild. But I also knew if it was not for the every day's, I would less appreciate the days of freedom.

Soon after returning to Hogwarts, I received a note from Severus, inviting me to a cup of tea in his lodgings. This was to be the first time I was to step into his private chambers. Into his life behind doors.

I knocked at 8 Pm sharply. I knew he appreciated me being on time, although he had accepted the fact that most of the time I was not. But to honor him, I had made an effort to be on time. His rooms were very tidy I noticed, I wondered if it was always this tidy, or if he had just cleaned up because I was coming. But it was very likely it was always tidy.

Inside I groaned, I was so not a tidy person. Although I had had my rooms tidy when Severus came. Next what sprang to my attention was all the books, of cause, he would have lots of books, he needed to constantly have a way of feeding his hunger for knowledge. There was, however, a noticeable absence of color. He had decorated in simple dark tones, a bit like his appearance. I wondered what inspired him to wear only black or to decorate as such and once again I realized how different we were from each other. For a moment, I thought that I would maybe turn out to be a disappointment for him, at some stage, for I was chaotic and certainly not as knowledgeable as he was and I felt embarrassed about my simpleness.

Severus looked at me, " It is very bleak, is it not?" he said disgustedly. "Well, it is very you," I said, immediately regretting my words. He had called it bleak and if I said it was like him, he would maybe think I thought him to be bleak too. "That is a bad thing, " he said with a sour face. What could I say to make him feel better?

"It is curious you should say this, for only a moment ago, I had been thinking that you might find me to be simple and chaotic and I felt bad about myself and now you think bad about yourself. As a matter of fact I need you to be you," I said. "It might seem all very bright and jolly to be me, but I am often overwhelmed with the vastness of my creativity and my caring heart, I feel as if I am in too many places at the same time, feeling too many feelings and jet I can not seem to grip any of it fully and so it gets easily to much. But when I am with you, it feels as if you have a calming effect on me, I feel safe and as if I can rest at your side, you are constant and I can rely on you. Maybe it is that you need me to step out of you more when you trapped inside you, but I equally need you to step back into me, when I am lost outside myself. Does that make any sense?"

All of this had suddenly dawned on me. It made perfect sense to me, for this was exactly what I felt most of the time. To others, I might seem very caring and kind, which of cause I was, but it was also sometimes too much for me to always feel what others feel and to know what they needed and then having to respond in their favor. He looked at me his expression not readable. "I never thought you could feel this way," he said, he seemed surprised. He looked much relieved though and seemed to have taken what I said the right way. It was as if his shoulders had straightened more and as if he stood more proudly.

"Be it so then," he said, "we are as made for each other. I shall be proud to be your rock as you have been mine." I was very glad this revelation had come at the right moment. We then settled down and had a cup of tea. I asked Severus if he had read all the books and pointed out that some of them seemed to be very old. This inspired him, to show me some of the very old ones he had and it was fascinating and incredible to imagine the people, who had written these books all those years ago. We had a good evening and when I left, Severus took my hand holding it between his hands.

" Apart we are in pieces," he said, "but together we are whole. I like that." Then he let me go. " Good night, Felicy" When I left, he looked at peace.