Life as i knew.

one step at a time

i never thought about how  much things me and Ty have been through it was really hard to walk away from him like that. i know it was the right thing to do.

_my thoughts_

life isn't what people make it out to be and you sit here and you have to accept things you don't want to here and you don't want. but as soon as you see what you love and have worked for walking away you,yourself is fading away and you feel like no one will remember you and honestly you just normalcy but you don't even know what that is and your scared to see what happens if they see everything and your scared to accept the fact nothing is perfect anymore and you just wan thing back to a normalcy but how do i do this with out accepting something that you did. all you know is the one thing in life you actually want is going to disappear but thats not what you want. you only want him.

the sorrow and pain, and everything you worked for is slowly slipping through your finger tips and you can't grab and hold on any longer and you want everything back and you fall in to a deep sleep and lose everything you ever worked for and the family you once seen is now a nightmare and your in tears wish he would see what your thinking and see what hurts you, doesn't anyone see my tears or even the tears i cry and the Screams i et out or am i the silent girl no one can see or hear.

your all i need and I'm scared of what comes next. no one sees the writing i have or understands where it come from nor where i can't so much passion to writing how i feel in fear that someone will see, but this isn't an out cry for attention this is just a work of art, no one knows what i am capable of with works and art nor the musical talent i hold i rather not show anyone even though i could prove everyone wrong but why should i do that be yelled at i could better.

doesn't anyone see why i do this or why i write? no one understand the meaning of my word, and i don't care i rather hide than being seen its just a stage Im getting ready for and i don't understand why people don't see the act i have started one he can see through me and it hurts me to say that i put on a show so people don't question me and and worry about that magical plays i have and or see what I'm feeling.

can i just be my self and not be question or is that to late? I'm not sure, and i can't imagine whats going to happen if i slip in to state of depression, no one will understand and ill be 'fake' as its put but its not I'm scared of that and I'm scared to see what would happen if the truth comes out of the girl thats known o be happy and full of life and that everyone goes to for help...Just wait something tragic will happen and no one will see it happen.

its never to late for the perfect girl to break in to a million piece, she tired of everyone putting her down and not believing her nor having faith in her.

She has a plain but no one is a were of whats going to happen. doesn't anyone see whats going one behind closed door or is it the fact no one cares enough to ask what behind a pretty mask or is it the fact no one see her wearing something to ugly.

i rather be sitting behind broken glasses where no one can see me and i rather be in piece, i don't want to be seen or heard anymore i can't stand the pure pain and suffering i deal with to make others so happy so the can move on but I'm not helping my self get any better than i was before, still broke and shattered lost and cold, doesn't any one care.

word for word sentence are made than the fine english unknown sources and mixture of words incorrect spellings different means, no one cares. save the laughs and jokes for next time.

people brag and people are smart and than theres me with mistakes and problems how can i be perfect or even get to the level i need to be.

i honest feel so alone everyone is laughing at me, looking at me. am i just a figure that no one sees?i don't understand where i went wrong.

i follow the rules and the simple codes we talk and laugh together and your all i have. i wouldn't give you up for the world.

tears and me screaming all i see is the power of hate between us growing and i get scared and shut down and wanting to lose everything i ever had.just for what?words being thrown around and used like there nothing and pretending that all is okay when its not?

what have we done here?broke the truth and in million of lies?i hold the last piece of her i have and i brake in to tears.

last of her she was so little, just a baby what happened what did i do...nothing it was nothing i did i was a perfect mother, he was a perfect father we had the family she was just sick i couldn't do anything.. the doctors told me to give up hope...But her name was hope for a reason.. she had hope beyond that she had trennady and love compassion hope and everything a little girl could ever have at that young of an age.

we gave up everything we had for her and she left go was her fault nor ours. nothing was going our way and we lost it money and hope house and cars and everything we need to live, but she never left our hearts.

you can't let something if your still holding on. somethings can be so hard to let go or even say goodbye to but in the end it is. keep the memories but don't hold on the person.

you have to smile and remember that your still on human and you have to work on your self before others.even though you may not think your the best and you fight with your self over the smallest things like your weight or how you are, you have to be happy with your self before you can be happy with someone or for someone. even if other people don't see it, or feel it. you are you.

step back and smile love your self, you are who you are not matter you think, even if people say your not pretty or cool your anything you have believe your self not them.

like my self i don't need know what people nor do i care mainly because I'm surrounded by people that love me and care and help me be who i am even i want to be something crazy like that doesn't exist.. but something those people effect the way you think..and it hurts. it hurt worse when the one you want approval from doesn't approve what you say nor do, the way you look or feel or care about your well being, or take the interest in what you do. it effects how you think.

basically its hard to focus on what you have to do. even if that means people don't approve what that is. sometime that means you have to work harder on whatever you are doing, even if you think no one cares. when people have a lack of interest in something you have pride in it hurts because something you feel left out, this normally happens when you have siblings because the oldest get forgotten because they get less and less "good" things happen than there the other kids you have to worry about, and theres nothing left for you or the next. they say the middle child is normal forgot but actually its the oldest, because the middle child is younger than the oldest meaning the standers are set high and they normal achieve them when you didn't.

so basically I'm saying is there is someone that will take pride in what you say and do or what you draw or write it may not be family but damn near close enough. you have to learn how to accept what people do for you. or even what is done for you already.

even though times are depressing or upsetting or even worse you are stronger than what you think. i had someone tell me that I'm stronger than what i am and i have to believe in your self. because no matter what ill have a shoulder to cry on a phone call away or even a text away theres always smile waiting.

-after-

losing him killed me but its will change soon right?