DIE ➳ JACK JOHNSON

XII. I WAS MADE

chapter twelve - july 4

in life, there's certain moments you hang onto forever. you clutch onto it for dear life like it is your life, because those moments are what makes you - well you. sometimes those moments are the types of moments you've been waiting for your whole life. a moment, a single second that makes you feel alive. a moment that provides you the feeling of life, and wakes up every single bone of your body. those moments are worth keeping.

the moment when jack kissed alaska was her moment.

there's also a certain moment you just want to go back and change everything. the moments where you wish you were the author to your own story, so that you could flip back a few pages, erase a few things, and come up with a new solution; a one that won't leave you crippled in the end. moments where it even pains you to even think about it.

for alaska, that moment came when jack kissed another girl.

so here she was, on july 4th, the day of celebration throughout all of america, sitting alone in her cave. she had literally been sitting there for hours just thinking. it seems as though that's all she could ever do. just thinking and trying to figure out the mess people refer to as life. thinking is all we could ever do as humans, because thinking is the easiest thing to do out there. we just let our mind wander, so what's so difficult about that?

but the thing alaska is having difficulties with is the doing part.

"i knew you'd be here," jack's voice suddenly said. unlike most times, she didn't flinch, jump, or even move a single bit. she was too numb to do anything. she heard his footsteps coming closer and closer to her, but she was too weak to do anything about it. "i'm sorry."

she closed her eyes, because she couldn't stand it. she couldn't stand those two words, because in the end, they're just words. words can practically mean anything; they can mean nothing. "sorry for what?"

he looked shocked at her question like he wasn't expecting it, like he just expected that those two words would just resolve every single problem. alaska almost scoffed at that, because she couldn't believe it. she couldn't believe how insignificant she felt that he thought that'd be just it, as if she didn't deserve an explanation.

"i'm - i guess i'm sorry for everything," he sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

she looked up at him, and there it was again - the pain. his eyes were swirling with feelings of regret like an angry storm, but she couldn't see him. not fully at least. it seems like there was another human being trapped behind the outermost layer of his eyes. the someone that she felt like only she knew of, and no one else.

she cracked a smile at the humor of things. the humor of the thought of jack really caring about her, really liking her, thinking that the kiss meant something, thinking that the words he uttered so quietly and vulnerable actually held a meaning. "it's alright. i'm used to it. i - i just need some time to get used to it."

jack's heart churned for her, and it pained him to see her like this, but he didn't fully understand. he didn't understand what this feeling meant. he knew she meant something to him, but he didn't know to what significance.

"i know you don't feel the same way i feel for you, and i know you know my feelings for you. you can't be that stupid and oblivious. i just need time to accept that, because," she stopped, as if she couldn't speak the other words. "because jack, you make me happy."

he shook his head, because he didn't get it. he knew he had broke her heart in so many ways, and here she was, telling him that he made her happy. he didn't understand her.