DIE ➳ JACK JOHNSON

XXXX. BUT I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU

chapter thirty four - july 30

Alaska's face remained expressionless as she stared at her father's pale and lifeless body. She didn't know what to do or even say. She knew Jake expected something out of her like an outburst of happiness or sadness, but she was clueless of how to react. There were so many emotions swirling around in her head and it hurt. She feel her heart and head telling how she should react, but she wasn't sure if that was right for her.

She sat in the chair beside her father's hospital bed. She took her father's hand in hers and just stared at him for a while longer. All she could think about was how similar he looked to her mother, besides the fact that he had no marks on him. She wondered if it were her fault yet again, but this time, she knew it wasn't. It wasn't her fault that her father allowed himself to go down this spiral of alcohol and drugs. It sure wasn't her fault that she couldn't stop him, because he made his own decisions. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't there for him, because things happen and it's inevitable.

"If you see mom, tell her I miss her, please," she whispered to him. "I mean, if she doesn't scold you for what's happened while she was gone," she chuckled lightheartedly to try to make the situation a little bit more cheery than it was. "When mom passed away, our family fell apart. I wish we could've gone through it together. I wish you would have let me in rather than the latter, but I don't blame you. Wishing that you'd live a life for mom rather than waste it away and partially hating you won't get me anywhere. I'd let you hold me down for so long. I won't do that anymore. I know all the words you've said in the past were out of pain, but I'd be lying if I didn't take those words to hurt. I know you wanted to hurt me as much as I hurt you, and it worked. But now, I know my worth. I know who I am, and that's all that matters. I forgive you dad. I know you're a good person. You were beginning to become the great dad mom always praised about. If you do survive-"

And it's like everything stopped for her, because right at that moment, the machine let out a horrible, loud, and long beep. She stopped, Jack stopped, but everything around them moved. Nurses and doctors rushed in. She could hear the nurse's voice in her ear, but it was more of a muffled of nothings. She could feel Jake's muscular arms wrap around her and push her out, but it just felt like light feathers. All she could really focus on was her dead father. She knew he was dead. She just knew it, because her heart was breaking. Because something good had happened to her, and it was just life's normal routine to give her something bad again.

The doctor came out of the room a few moments later, and his face said it all. He had a look of sympathy, but she had enough of that to last her a lifetime. She shook her head, and turned around. She didn't even want to hear the words, because it'd make it feel even more real.

She felt a tap on her shoulder, and looked up to see a police officer there. She was confused at his presence, but as she took in his facial expression, she concluded it was about her father. He shared the same look of sympathy as the doctor and many others before them. He didn't say a word as he handed her an envelope, and for that she appreciated him.

She turned the envelope over to find writing on it. 'To my beloved daughter, Alaska.' Her hands shook as she read her father's handwriting. She didn't understand it. She slowly opened the envelope, and took the letter out.

To my Alaska,

   From the day you were born, I was sure that my life was over, because my life was now yours. I had made a promise to myself that day that you'd always go first. I even promised your mother before she died, that I'd protect you with my life. I had meant it then, but when I looked at you that day we came home, the promise just vanished.

   Every time I looked at you, all I saw was your mother. You look just like her. It was easier to put the blame on someone than no one at all, so that's what I did. I put my anger on a little child. Not one of my best decisions. As I write this letter, I feel ashamed that I let myself down. I put my pain over yours. I couldn't even pull myself together long enough to be there for you. I knew you didn't have the best life and that you were lonely, but I was selfish enough to let you suffer that, because that was easier.