Unrevealed Love

Chapter 30

“Ready Finn?” My Dad wonders when he turns around in the seat. I sigh but nod and we all get out of the car. Kathy and my dad walk ahead while Nathan and I take our time walking over to the gravestone. 

Three years as of today. Three years of my mom being gone. It was quiet and tense all morning, no one said anything to anyone and no one looked at anyone. I didn't like it because I knew what everyone else was thinking. 

Kathy is blaming herself. Thinking that if she never met my dad, my mom would have never...killed herself. 

My dad is beating himself down for not seeing Nathan at the hospital for the past three years and never seeing my Mom's grave, only on her anniversary.

And Nathan is feeling the suicidal feelings he has every year. When I would visit him in the hospital he would tell me the feelings he was feeling. The suicidal and hoping he would've died when he tried. 

The only person I didn't know how they are feeling is me. There is so many different emotions I could be feeling but none made sense to me. It was like every year. Numb. 

“You okay?” Nathan questions when he nudges my arm. I look up at him and nod but when my dad turns around, his eyes red and watery, that all changes. I drop my head in my hands and start crying. My body shaking after sobs. 

It's hard when you lose a parent. There's never that comforting feeling you once had. Everything seems out of place nothing ever feels like the same. Nothing is ever the same after. You're left with all this pain. Nothing ever feels right again. You get stuck with so many memories you don't want to remember. So many good memories that bring up bad feelings. You can't laugh or cry when a memory comes up because you're left with this I can't do that anymore realization. Nothing, nothing feels the same. 

And it never will. 

*

“How about Noobz?” Nathan suggests as he picks up movies from his night stand, I yet again shrug. “No? yes?” I shrug, Nathan throws a pillow at me and I don't even flinch. “Its not only hard for you, you know.” He mutters. 

“I never said it was.” I snap. 

Nathan sighs. “Then stop acting like its only hurting you.”

I swing my legs over his bed and stand up. “I didn't know I had to try and kill myself to be able to feel pain.” I hiss then slam his door shut. I walk into my room, walk over to my stereo, turn it up as loud as it can go, and put on some music. I then walk over to my bed and crawl into the pile of blankets. I lay in bed as my music plays, quietly singing along to the lyrics until the song turns onto one song. 

My heart skips a beat and my stomach lurches. I miss those blue eyes. How you kiss me at night. 

I haven't talked to Colt since Tuesday. The day I told him to leave me alone. To say I miss him would be understatement, I miss Colt way more than I can put into words but I'm still hurt he lied to me and isn't telling me anything. I know it's a stupid thing to get pissed about, he only skated around, but still it hurt. I am such a drama queen.