My Letters to God.

Letter 2

God,

I'm frustrated to say that my arms are still itchy. They burn to the point that I want to claw at them. My stomach and chest does too at night and unwanted, I find myself wishing to claw my insides out. To rip my rib cage open and let everything pour out of me. I know it is wrong and twisted. It is not my time to leave this earth and I don't want to leave either. My family needs me, my brother needs me, and you need me here on earth to lead people back to you. The other day I opened my notebook and found an old poem I wrote before school ended. I written it at the time when I felt down. I write when I'm done. Make up stories or just let my thoughts out on paper. I like writing. It feels like I'm washing everything out of me through my fingertips to my writing. But I know that's another way of running away from myself. I write stories. It went from therapeutic and wanting to help others like me to running away from everything I should have faced. Now I'm facing it and I'm actually crying and going to the ones I need the most. You're telling me "Don't be alone. You're not in the right state right now. Don't be alone." Don't go back to ignoring, running away from the people you gave me to help me. I can't do this by myself and you're letting me know that, especially yesterday. Yesterday I just needed to not be alone when I went to sleep. I actually asked my dad if I can sleep with him because I didn't want to be alone in my room with the walls closing in on me and lost in those tidal wave of thoughts that aren't of you Lord. Sounds babyish right? But I know that if I'm alone I'm going to get lost again. I'm going to be fighting with my back up against myself and that never ends well. I know you are there, watching me and giving me the strength to get through this which is why I found the courage to ask my dad to sleep with him. Before I would never even dare ask my dad for a hug. I would lock myself away and get lost in those thoughts, lost in my own head, and wait it out. It didn't help. It would make me feel worse but I always chose to ignore it. Now I'm not alone. I understand that and I thank you for this. It's hard Lord. I don't want to lie to you. My thoughts still slither their way into my mind but I'm doing the things I never did before. It feels nice. To know you're breaking me down to fix me right up into someone I want to be – you're planning me to be. I want to help people. Get back on that road you set before me. I want to be a person that inspires others to you God. I said before: I have no talents but I have my writing. I suck at communicating; the words get stuck down my throat, but use my writing God. If I can reach people through my writing – Help even at least one person who are struggling through things like I am then I want to. I want to help people, I want your love to flow through me and out to others. I don't want to be famous; I don't care about popularity or money. I want to be happy God. That's all I want. To be happy and help others in need. Thank you God. Amen.

Candy.