My Letters to God.

Letter 68

World shaken, eyes opened, and tears finally spill as the fire reignites in my soul. Mind screams, voices yell and inside is a bottle of screamo music yet one thing reaches past my ears in into my heart. That is YOU God. This week...pressing on and never giving up. I think I will need to learn and relearn that lesson all the days of my life and I am happy for that because that means YOU will be teaching me. Showing me, shaking and smacking me back where I need to be. I will grow and therefore bare fruit worthy of you Lord and good enough to feed others. Man today was proof after proof of You existent. Every day is Lord but today was the day where I felt myself starting to go back to that loop and it's just like you snapped your finger in my face and said "Pay attention!" Man Lord. You are my LORD! God! Prophecy...that prophecy shook me back awake in this sleepy state and then it's like the whole theme of this day was "Press on! Don't give up and don't give in to the enemy! Listen to me! I am telling you everything!" Thank you Lord! Jesus thank you so so much! I also learned what it meant to feel hot coals on your head like Paul said. Shame...what a thing that strikes hard once I realized just how much I wronged everyone in my past. That anger I allowed to turn darker than red, into black. Crimson that couldn't be erased no matter how much I scrubbed but you cleansed me of it my God Jesus! Now I bow my head in shame and repentance. I wrote a story yesterday. It wasn't supposed to be anything significant God. That wasn't in my plans as I wrote it for a contest but the moment I started it...I wasn't in control anymore and I ended up learning so much from it. It was like my hands, you used to show me my wrongs I've done. To my grandma and to you. How I walked away from you and chased after things my fleshed burned for. How I chased after everything else and lost sight of you and when I finally listened to the emptiness inside my soul...it was like looking at the prodigal son parable all over again but this time it clicked into my brain. I repent Lord! I am yours now and forever! Take me and continue to mold me into you will! I know you won't use me like some lifeless doll but you'll carve me out of clay and then breath life into me, making me alive and into a real person! You will give me strength to carry that cross and be loving just like you. However, today I also came to understand that you are an angry God. It's not bad. You are love but like any parent you get angry when I am stubborn and that's why conviction is important. You lead me back to you with conviction but never condemnation. You are also angry that the world and how they mock you and twists your laws and ignore them. You give us everything and we end up throwing it in your face; mop around and mumble. Ungratefulness; you are right God. We are ungrateful. Always looking at what to complain about whether than look for what to thank you for and praise you for! Sadly I do this too and I am sorry for that my Lord Jesus. You give us everything that stables us and yet we don't cherish it because stupidly we think you won't take it away. But you can. You are my God Jesus and thank you for convicting me. For leading my feet in the right waters. Peaceful even when waves come crashing down. Still even when the day seems hectic and people seem bothersome, you still make it a grate day with all the blessings you give! Jesus! I acknowledge you as my Lord and Savor and God. Reaffirm my faith! You hand picked me and for that I thank you! Out of all my family you picked me. You choose me. Pointed the finger and choose me. Thank you. I called my grandma today and man...I missed her so much. I didn't apologize to her and open up that I wronged her like I know I should but today...this time...you gave me the strength to truly have a conversation with her. It's been so long my God. So long Jesus since I listened to her beautiful voice and had a true conversation with her instead of brooding on the inside and screaming from anger that never belonged. She brought my mother up again and strangely I wasn't angry at that. I was ashamed because I wronged my mother too. I blamed her for so long in a way. Thought people were only using me to replace her. Thought that I was in her shadow because Lord, my mother was a saint compared to me. She was talked about as if she was an angel and when compared to me I felt filthy because I was nothing like my mother. My mother and my grandmother Lord...they are the gems in this dark world and I was just a lump of rock trying to pass off as a diamond. I felt angry because I thought I could never be like them but Lord I missed the most important thing. Gems don't shine. They reflect light. My grandma and my mother God...they reflect you. You made them shine and now you are cleansing me -taking out the ugly and pouring in the good- you are making me shine as well. Thank you so much for all my life and help me to see through the storms thrown my way and others way as well. Thank you my God for breathing life into a shell like me and continue to use me as a walking testimony to other. I want to continue walking with you God. Jesus I want to keep picking up my cross and following you to glory! Thank you for always giving me grace over the enemy and forgiveness for my fails! Keep those who still need to find you or needs the encouragement to keep fighting look to you and lead me to them Lord. Let your words of wisdom and life come out my lips. Let truth be carved and seared into my hear and mind. In Jesus name my God! AMEN!