I came a long way. Looking back at my past I finally saw the huge mess I made. Blackness everywhere and I was covered in it. Second skin coating-sticky and oh so yucky. Lord...I witnessed you. The fact that you cleaned up my mess in just a few moments when I tried for years and it just made a bigger mess...it proves you exist. Shamefully I still fall right after you reach out and pick me back up and in the beginning it really bugged me a lot! I got freaked out over everything because I'm just so wrong and disgusting yet you still picked me and cleaned me off. You're still cleaning me off my God. I've been battling again but it seems that the more battles I get into the less I find myself freaking out and it sort of freaks me out that I don't freak out. It could be that I gave up but that isn't so. I don't know how I can tell but that's just not it because I want to cling to you more and more and the fact that the thought of giving up creeps me out is enough proof. I started doubting your existence but no way is that true! YOU showed me your existence EVERY FREAKING DAY! How can I not believe?! Then I thought "Maybe there's just something wrong with me? Maybe my fire is dying...maybe I'm falling away? Maybe I'm just being stupid and not believing enough? Is this doubt? Am I doubting God? I don't understand anything!" But a few moments ago my God I read my 'End the day right' devotional and the scripture in there was Philippians 4:7. It was about how your peace guards our hearts and minds and make us content with everything. It's because we have trust in you and it makes me wonder if that's what this is. No matter what goes through my mind (which makes me want to karate kick myself in the face) I don't feel worried. I don't fear scared or how I use to feel in the beginning. Just so depressed and wanting nothing to do but cry my eyes out and stay in total darkness of my room forever. I want to know what this is Lord. I want to know so badly if this is what I am feeling and if this is just me fooling myself then please my Lord and Savoir! Point it out to me! I rather have your truth and some self absorbed lie! If this is your peace inside of me then thank you my God! Thank you Jesus Christ! Thank you for this! Thank you.
Candy.
YOU ARE READING
My Letters to God.
Spiritual"I feel like I'm going in circles. Like I'm stuck in a cycle and I can't seem to claw my way out of. It's feels like when I found my religion again I started grieving. Like all the things I've ever held in and ignored through others things are final...
