My Letters to God.

Letter 78

I feel bad Lord. I still do and I'm on my period. You know why, You seen my tears and sent me so many to keep me going. I feel like giving up, giving in, throwing in the towel and turning back because it's much easier but You Lord. Almighty God, forgive me for these feelings. That is no right. My feelings get in my way leading my thoughts to go crazy and it all gives and opening to the devil. Forgive me Yahweh. Forgive me for these things going all lopsided and wrong inside me. Leading me to doubt, disbelief and questioning. I want to continue on to you and I need to know...I need to understand Lord...I can't do this on my own. You broke me down and I guess I am starting from scratch again and maybe it is a good thing. Spiritual pride would have been my downfall. Pride would have gotten the best. Perhaps this is a good thing. Something isn't right, something gets to cocky, take it down a notch and make it right once more. So please Lord, Don't write me off just yet. Help me throw these doubts, these disbelief in you Jesus, these questions, and self pride away from me. Help me to strive on and see You more and more and less of myself. Lord...take this ice gripping fear of dying away from me. To cling on to you and become stable. To build my house on cement and not sand that can get washed away quickly. Open my eyes more to you Jesus and see the world the way you see it. To grow closer to your love Jesus when I fall instead of feeling like giving up. I want to be like Paul and Peter who rejoiced in suffering with You Jesus. They fell away. Paul was once Saul and hated you Jesus yet You saved him and he became such a devoted follower! Peter denied you but You picked him back up and an apostle he became! I want to be like my grandmother who tells me to keep going, to not give up, love You Jesus no matter what I face and not grow cold. I want to be like my grandpa who tells me to not listen to the voices in my head and rebuke them. To believe with all my heart that You are real and are right there with me. That you gave me authority over the devil. That these feelings have no hold on me and to hold fast to You Jesus! I want to be like my dad, who even though he's as flawed as I am Jesus, still pushes me to keep going. Who reminds me that only You can save me and teach me because I'm still a baby in You Jesus. That You understand I can not do this on my own and I will always fall short. Who tells me that everything I felt, YOU too felt in the Bible. Lord I want to be like them...that faith, that trust -so full and complete- that endless and endless joy through suffering...show me Lord. I beg You-show me where do  go from here. I'm in square one. Where to next Lord? You brought me for a reason or else why would I be going through this? Not to fall away surely. You don't call us to throw us away. You do not pick us only for us to fall away. Yahweh, you picked me for a reason and I am going to obey. Show me where to go Father. Guide me with the spirit and Lead me with this cross of mine. Show to how to put on the whole armor to defend myself against life and satan's attack. I am your child. I know I am and I want to go home to You Lord. I want to keep running this race no matter if I'm scared. Show me where to go sweet Jesus and which road to take. I ask Lord that You take this selfishness away from me and give me your heart and eyes for others and definitely for You. I ask Lord that You take me out of my own way to follow You Jesus because You died for me. People like me and I do not want to be selfish and not die for You. Be too afraid to give myself up. I belong to YOU Jesus. Let me see You God in the storm. In You MIGHTIEST name Lord JESUS: Amen! Thank you Jesus for everything you did this week. Keeping me from giving up through my family and those in my church. Thank you Yahweh for hearing me when I cried and giving me sleep at night when I felt so paranoid and too fearful to sleep. Even now, thank you for coming when those thoughts start knocking. You are the mighty one! You have me in Your hands and I trust in You Lord to take me where I need to go. Thank You Jesus for another wonderful day. 

Candy.