My Letters to God.

Letter 8

I don't know what is up with me today God. I was fine when I woke up and was hanging with my friend. It all went downhill though for some reason. I don't know. I can't say for sure if it's the hello kitty story that got to me or triggered that self-doubting, unsure, non-confident feeling in me. Maybe it was just me. I sort of feel like you disciple Isaiah. How he felt so inadequate when he encounter you. I wonder if he felt like I do sometimes. If his mind raced faster than he could comprehend what he himself was thinking? Did his feelings or thoughts make him stumble and question everything and everyone? Were your disciples afraid of failing you God? Your Son? Is it wrong that I'm looking, overthinking, that some unwanted questions slither in my brain and swim around there. I know what my heart says but my brain puts it through the ringer God and at times I really do wish I was a kid again and was raised up as the ideal Christian. But then it gets me thinking "What is the ideal Christian?" How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say? I'm born into this world but how to do I live in it when everything is so wrong? I'm wrong. Times like this I want to shut it all out, wash these thoughts away but then I feel like I'm running away from you, from myself, from the things I need to face in order to follow you. Am I wicked Lord? Are these thoughts bad of me to think? It's like a battle against myself I feel. It doesn't make sense to me but that's how I feel. I want to help people but then I lack confidence or I don't know how. Today I saw three homeless people God and I felt bad because the first man I missed and couldn't give him the sandwich or cookies I had. The second was a woman and she was digging through the trash at the park downtown. I went up to her and gave her my food that I didn't finish then left with a God Bless. I was happy because I made her day with it and I never had the confidence to do that. But then the third man came. I had nothing to offer when I saw him. I had some change in my wallet but the rest I threw in a river like thing at the park. What I had wouldn't be enough so I spoke to my friend Jessica and said "I wish I had money." When she asked for what I pointed to the guy. She gave me a dollar to give to him which I did but it still made me feel bad because it wasn't enough. He looked to be sleeping. Perhaps if I separated what I had and was able to give each Three some food for their bodies then would I feel sad? Could I have made a difference in each of their lives. Would I have the courage to sit down with them and talk to them about you? I feel pathetic when I think these things and then the end of time. I feel paranoid yet not afraid. Almost like I'm rehearsing my own earthly death. Stupid right? Maybe I don't deserve any blessings or Heaven. I want it, to do good and go to heaven but maybe I don't deserve it. The scenario today was a holocaust theme. We were taken to camps because we wouldn't bow to the devil and he kept us alive to make us suffer and break our faith. I fell asleep to that. I wasn't scared to be honest but is that right? To think these things and be calm yet freak out when I look around and see the signs of your coming? It makes no sense to me. I don't know God. I guess I will have to continue reading your words and praying to you for guidance. I want our bond to be steel. I'm reading the unstuck book again and I feel like the people Mark Jobe is talking about. They found you, were led by you, and guided out of the cave they found themselves in so I will too right? As long as I keep going and look at only you. Right?

Candy.