These last few years, I would question myself, "Why is this happening to me?"
But then I found my answer.
During middle school (when I was still being sexually abused), I was cutting myself until I feel numb. And sometimes I would drink until I pass out. I was hurting myself more than what he did to me.
Finally I got the courage to ask my school counselor to help me stop. She made a contract about if I drink again, she will contact my parents. And I thought, "Oh, I could do this. She's not gonna tell them". And I signed it and so did she.
But the next week after I signed that contract, I was raped, again, and i started to drink again. I had P.E. on that day, and I passed out and fell.
I was sent to the office, and the school counselor saw me and said, "What happened? Did you hurt yourself?"
I was still feeling dizzy and I looked at the trash can that was next to me. The next thing I know, I puked. And I looked up to the counselor, and she knew I was definitely drunk.
When I was done puking, she helped me get up from the chair and took me to her office. She sat me down and said, "Give me your backpack?"
"Why?"
"Because I said so" she handed out her hand.
I gave her my backpack and she started to look inside and she found the alcohol drink I had.
"What happened? You signed a contract!" she was dead serious.
I couldn't tell her that I was drinking because I was being sexually abused. So I lied and said, "I just didn't have the strength to stop, I tell did try". I started crying.
Then she hugged me and she said, "I have to talk to your parents about this. It's part of your contract."
"I know".
A few hour later, I was waiting in the counselor's office and the school counselor opened the door and my parents came in with straight faces. Then my counselor showed the bottle I had and the contract that I signed. And my parents were so shocked that I was drinking.
The whole time I couldn't look at them. I was so ashamed of myself. So then, the counselor made another contract that included my parents to sign too. The contracted stated, "If _____ ______ holds a possession of alcohol/drugs, will be expelled. I was so scared to sign it. What if I break this contract too?
After that day, the counselor would check my backpack everyday and check on me.
A few months later, I was doing good and then I had these nightmares, these flashbacks that made my chest hurt. That I couldn't breathe. I was crying hard. I was screaming. I don't know why I had that flashback, but I did. It killed me inside. I started to cut myself again. I was drinking again with shame.
Then the next day at school, the principal and the school counselor was calling certain students to the office to talk to them. Then, it was my turn. I was already drunk. I couldn't even walk. It was my turn to go inside the office. As I went in, I started feeling dizzy, then I quickly sat down.
The principal asked me, "Did you hear or seen students with drugs? "
"No. I haven't".
"Well, I know you have a contract with Ms._____ (counselor) about alcohol. Is that correct?"
Shaking and said, "That's....correct".
"May I see your backpack?"
I'm already dead and so I gave her my backpack and of course they found a bottle.
