I have been writing about my story for almost a year now and I think it's time to end it.
But I feel like I should tell you who I am but I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
Maybe I will never will be.
***
I went back to my old middle school. I went because I want to see if anything change, and there was some changes. New teachers, new staff, and new principal.
But my former school counselor was still there.
I was so scared to go to her office, scared if she wouldn't remember me.
I opened the door and saw her sitting at her desk on her computer. I didn't recognize her at first and I said, "Miss? I am looking for Ms......"
"Oh my god! You're here! Wow!" She got up from her desk and rushed to me to give me a hug.
She started crying and said,"Oh my gosh, I missed you so much! How have you been? How's life treating you? Did you get my letter?"
It was like she wanted to hear everything about what happened to me after I left that school.
I said, "I've missed you too. That's why I came here. And yes I still have your letter thank you".
Wiping her tears with a tissue and said, "So.....did you press charges against...your uncle".
I hesitated and said, "Ummm....no...my parents didn't want me to go to court and face him, in which I understand completely. So I had to take action and got a restraining order on him".
"Good for you sweetie! Ahhh you really grew into a strong, beautiful young woman. I am so proud of you. I truly am".
She gave me an envelope and told me to open it.
"What is this?" I said.
"A ticket!"
"For what?"
"This Saturday, our school is going to host a ceremony for teenage girls to empower themselves to go after their dreams and celebrities will be there too. It would give me great pleasure if you come" She said with a smile.
"If I don't have any plans, of course!"
"Oh and I would love for you to give a speech?"
"A speech?" I said.
"Yes. A speech about what happened to you and how you overcome that. It would be very inspiring to young girls there".
"Ummm I don't know....?"
"Well just think about it, okay?"
"Okay".
***
Saturday is already here and I had to look, as you can say "elegant". I pinned my hair back and wore this long, light blue dress. I loved it.
I arrived and the school looked so nice, and I see my counselor waving at me. I walked towards her and she said,"Wow! You look absolutely stunning!"
"Why thank you! And so are you!"
"Here this is for you!" She pinned down something on my chest, I don't know what it was but it looked like a rose.
"What is this for?" I said.
"It's for people who are giving a speech. You're still giving your speech right?"
I paused and said, "Yes. Of course".
She walked me in the gym where the ceremony was taking place.
She told me it was my turn to give my speech and I heard my name was announced and I froze for a second and walked towards the stage with people clapping for me.
I stood in front of the microphone and said, "Hi my name is _______ ______. I am 18 years old in my junior year of high school" I took a deep breathe and continued, "When I was attending here at this school, I was in a dark place. I was so depressed that I started drinking and cutting myself to stop the pain. The pain that I was feeling, the pain that was eating me inside was this secret that I held onto when I was 8 years old. This secret was that a family member of mine was sexually abusing me, specifically molesting and raping me".
I hear the room and it was silent, and I said,"And I am standing here to tell you that I know it wasn't my fault I didn't realize that until I got expelled from this school, which was because of my drinking. I kept telling myself that I need to forgive him for what he has done to me and make peace with it. And I did, I really did. Ahhh it took me so long for me to get better. I told god I would be better this time and he knew I would be. And I want you young women and everyone else that it's not okay to carry on the sadness in you, it will destroy you. I've learned it the hard way. My teacher once told me that I think you should hear it, 'Forgiveness is not for them, it's for you' . Thank you for this opportunity to talk about my story and I hope you do too. Thank you".
When I finished, everyone got up and clapped for me. I was going to walk off stage but I see my school counselor coming on stage with something on her hand and two women followed her. I know these women, their celebrities! Meagan Good and Aisha Tyler! I was so shocked that I saw them.
My counselor was standing next to me, hugging me and Aisha Tyler was saying on the microphone that, "I am so inspired by her bravery of telling her story that's why Meagan and I decided to give her the most empowered woman award! Congratulations!"
And everyone stood up and started to cheer for me. Aisha Tyler gave me the award and gave me a hug and Meagan Good did too. I was so happy I cried with tears.
It was getting late and my school counselor offered me a ride.
The whole time that I was in the car, I just kept looking at this trophy, this award and I looked at her and said, "You set this up didn't you?"
"You deserved it!" She said.
We were already in front of my house, thanked her for the ride and she grabbed my arm and said,
"I am really proud of you! You had so much courage and bravery to speak up! You should give me a call sometime or come visit me again, okay?"
"I will".
She gave me a hug and that was it.
I don't really know if I should have deserved that award. I don't know.
Do I?
