I gave up a lot in my life. I gave up on my family, friends, school, and myself.
I don't know why but I feel like I'm better not existing anymore, but I can't think that. That's unhealthy for me to think about that.
Over the years I really thought about killing myself because all the in denial from my parents to my friends and teachers. The abuse from someone I thought I could trust. And blame myself for not doing or saying anything until it was too late.
When I was 15 I decided to commit suicide. It was during the time when everyone in my family including my godmother, my uncle's wife, knew about I was being molested by him. Everything just fell apart there, the family broke apart and I blamed myself for that. And my godmother didn't believe me of course because she found out that I was drinking, so she assumed I made the whole thing up. Even my father was trying to tell her how my uncle would look at me very different, but she didn't want to hear it. SHE WAS IN DENIAL!
I actually wrote letters to people who made a huge impact on my life such as my family, close friends, past and present teachers I had that helped me.
It took me hours to write them, but it was best for them when they find out why I killed myself.
I was going to kill myself because of the traumatic abuse he did to me, the in denial from everyone around me, the depression I had since I was small. I've had enough, I was just done with life.
I had a rope ready tied up inside my closet. I left a little opening of the rope so I can put my neck into it, and I counted to 10 to let go. Then, I stopped counting. I thought about how my family is going to get through this when they see me hanged inside of my closet and all they have left of me was the letters that I wrote to them.
It didn't seem fair, but life isn't fair. They would think I did a "coward" thing, but really I just wanted the pain to stop.
I thought about killing myself again, but I don't know anymore. Everything is going great for me this year, but I'm still depressed about everything. I don't know if I can hold in the sadness anymore. But I know I can.
I will, but I'm done.
